Tag: empty

I wouldn’t bet on it

Years have gone by since it happened, but I only recently began to recover. While lying in bed this morning, I began pondering the reason why, because it didn’t make sense to me. How could one person cause this much emotional damage by leaving? While in that half asleep state I love some much, a state where I can think so clearly, the answers began to filter into my mind.

They say life is a gamble. I realize now that there is a lot more truth to that old saying than I first imagined. Each one of us has a stack of poker chips, but these chips don’t represent money necessarily. They instead represent our happiness. Every day we place our bets on something, hoping the gamble will payoff big time. What we don’t realize is, we are actually gambling with our own happiness.

For instance, when I committed myself to my studies in college, I knew I was sacrificing some of my present happiness for the hope that I would eventually win something bigger. It was a small bet I made every day, tossing a few of my happiness chips onto the table with every hour of study, waiting for the cards to eventually be played.

It didn’t have to payoff though. There are no guarantees in life. I could have sacrificed all that happiness in vain. Many people waste countless hours and a small fortune, just to find themselves smothered in debt and working at a low paying job. They could also face health issues before raking in all their winnings. Any number of things could actually happen. It really is a gamble. You could lose it all.

She did something to me that few people ever did before her. She made me happy, very happy, immensely happy. I loved that about her. I also knew she could give me unimaginable happiness in the future. I just had to keep her around somehow. Unfortunately, there were so many things I had to give up for her, so many chips I needed to toss onto the table. It scared me how much actually.

It was very hard to do, but I wanted her so badly that I decided I was going to go all in on this bet. I really needed this win. I also couldn’t afford to lose what I had already put on the table. It was foolish, but I felt like I had no other choice but to push all my chips onto the table, every last one of them. It made me horribly sick, just realizing what I was willing to sacrifice for her.

I felt like there was a chance, because I was on a good winning streak at the time. I was just about to graduate with a masters degree, and was even considering a Ph.D. More lucrative job opportunities were also opening up for the first time. I think I was blinded by these successes and temporarily forgot that I could lose everything. Basically, I made the same mistake all gamblers make. I didn’t realize it was time to step away from the table, because my luck was about to run out.

The cards came back, and I watched as the entire table was swept away by the dealer. I had lost everything! There was literally zero happiness left. I had basically done the equivalent of betting the house on a game of poker and lost. Except it wasn’t a house I lost. It was myself. It was my heart, my mind, my soul, everything. I stepped away from that table emotionally broke and bankrupt.

It was the most foolish bet I ever made, but I just couldn’t help it. I couldn’t see myself going on without her. I realize now that I must have actually wanted her more than everything else. I kind of hate myself for that. I should have loved myself more. I should have loved other people more. I sacrificed everything in the hopes of winning that one bet, and just like that, I became the world’s biggest loser.

I think I am slowly recovering from this catastrophic loss, one chip at a time, and hedging all my bets this time. Maybe if I’m lucky enough, I will one day gain back all the happiness I sacrificed on this one person.

Have you ever bet the bank on someone? Have you ever felt emotionally bankrupt? Do you think this is a good analogy? Are you someone who takes big chances? Let me know in the comments, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!

The word that describes me.

The question of the day is what is one word that describes me? There’s really a lot of words that describe me, but there is one that comes to mind at this moment. About a month or two ago, a girl I used to know came back into my life briefly. We talked about our life and feelings, and she made the comment, I think you are lonely, Ken. That sort of stuck in my head, because I think she was right. I would say that lonely is the word that describes me presently.

I do have human connection and occasionally some great conversations, but for the most part it’s just lonely. I have found that only a few people can make you feel un-lonely. It’s kind of where this blog started at in the beginning. Only certain people seem to be able to really connect with you. If you can’t find and keep them, then you are lonely. You can be surrounded by people to the point of suffocation, but still be lonely if they are not the right people.

What’s one word that describes you? Do you ever feel lonely? Do you feel like certain people make you feel un-lonely? Let me know in the comments, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!

Objects I couldn’t live without.

The question of the day is what are three objects I couldn’t live without? The obvious one is my body, though I kind of believe there is some sort of life without it as a spirit. There are other objects related to the body that I need, such as air, water, food, shelter, etc. These are simply the things that keep my body alive. Another object I need is people. Although we shouldn’t objectify people, they really are a type of physical object in our environment. I probably couldn’t do all the things needed to survive by myself, but even if I could, I would die of loneliness if there was no one else around. There’s also a very special person that I need. I wish they were here right now. In reality, I need very few objects, which is why I’m a minimalist. It’s really my heart that keeps me alive. It’s the hope of love that makes me want to live.

What objects could you not live without? Are you a minimalist or a hoarder? How long could you go without people? Let me know in the comments, and please remember to like, share, and subscribe!

If I were someone else.

Today, I am asked who I would want to be if I could be someone else. This is actually a fairly common thought I have. Very often, when I lay down to sleep, I make a silent wish that I could just wake up as another person. It doesn’t happen though. Every day I just wake up as me again, and again, and again. I sometimes feel like I’m that guy in Groundhog Day, repeating the same day over and over until I finally get it right.

It’s not that my life is extremely bad. I have a lot of the things that many people strive their whole life to acquire. I’m sure some people wouldn’t mind trading with me actually. It doesn’t make me happy though. I know this sounds very ungrateful, and I hate that, but it’s just so incredibly lonely to be me.

When I make this wish, it is always the same. If I could be someone else for a day, I would choose to wake up as the guy she is with now. I would spend that day doing all the things that make her happy. I would make it the best day we had ever had together. We would live like there was no tomorrow, because there wouldn’t be. It would all come to an end when my day is used up.

Who would you like to wake up as? Is there a person from your past you would like to have a day with again? Do you think someone would enjoy being you for a day? Let me know your thoughts in the comments, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!

In celebration of nothingness.

In trying to think of all the things that people might celebrate, I tried to come up with something that no one even notices. It is the unseen that gives value to the seen, but the unseen never gets it’s due credit, and is fully deserving of a grand holiday, where we celebrate absolutely nothing.

Below is a rough translation from Chapter 11 of Tao Te Ching (Daodejing) by Lao Tzu (Laozi). In this set of verses, he is describing how it is the non-existence (nothingness) that gives material things their value.

  • Thirty spokes are connected to a hub, but it is the hollow center that allows it to function as a wheel.
  • A bowl is formed out of clay, but it is the empty space in the center that allows it to function as a bowl.
  • A house is constructed from walls, doors, and windows, but it is the space inside where nothing exists that makes it function as a house.
  • Things are made of something that exists, but it is that which does not exist that makes all these things useful.

Tao Te Ching

The Tao Te Ching is a Chinese classic text written around 400 BC and traditionally credited to the sage Lao Tzu (or Laozi). The text’s authorship, date of composition and date of compilation are debated. The oldest excavated portion dates back to the late 4th century BC, but modern scholarship dates other parts of the text as having been written—or at least compiled—later than the earliest portions of the Zhuangzi.

The Tao Te Ching, along with the Zhuangzi, is a fundamental text for both philosophical and religious Taoism. It also strongly influenced other schools of Chinese philosophy and religion, including Legalism, Confucianism, and Chinese Buddhism, which was largely interpreted through the use of Taoist words and concepts when it was originally introduced to China. Many artists, including poets, painters, calligraphers, and gardeners, have used the Tao Te Ching as a source of inspiration. Its influence has spread widely outside East Asia and it is among the most translated works in world literature.

After reading this, you might think of something else that doesn’t actually exist, but gives meaning to the whole universe. What is it? You are reading it right now. It is the idea, of course.

Do you ever think about nothing? Can you actually contemplate nothingness? Does nothingness have something in common with infinity? What do you think people will feast on during this holiday? What new holiday would you invent? Let me know in the comments, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!

You killed my future self.

People really don’t live in the present. They are either dwelling on the past that they can never relive, or they are daydreaming about a future version of themselves. It’s funny when you first realize this.

There’s actually a whole meditative system based on focusing your attention on what you are actually doing at this moment. It’s called Mindfulness. It’s kind of odd that we have completely left out the now and need to meditate to find it. It seems like it would be right there in the forefront, but the truth is most people never really live. The now is spent reminiscing about stories from the past or planning a future that may never come.

I have mostly been a future oriented person. I tend to recognize that the past is dead, and I can’t go back there. I do greatly regret some of the people I have had to leave in the past. I wish they had made it to be with me in the now, but it’s clear to me they are not present. What I really want most is to somehow weave them back into my future, hence there is still a future orientation in all of my thinking.

That being said, what I really want is to be happy. Unfortunately, I’m rarely happy in the moment, and I think that’s true for a lot of people. Happiness is either something I remember, or something I am hoping to achieve once I acquire all I need and want. I think this is the real reason why people live in the past or future. They are really not satisfied with what they have right now. This misery causes them to look for happiness in a story that lives only in their head. Mindfulness is therefore kind of related to wanting what you have.

It also makes me realize why it’s so painful to lose someone I love very intensely. The future I envision with them is where I am actually living. If they exit my life, that future self has no potential to ever exist. They have literally killed me in the future. That version of myself has to die and be replaced by a totally different version of me, one that I may not want to experience at all. The heartbreak is really a kind of mourning, caused by me having to lay my precious future self to rest before he ever experienced the intense happiness that I know he would have found.

Today, like every day, I have to face some decision made by me or someone else, and then watch a part of myself die if the wrong decisions are made. If only I could stop caring about the future and realize that the pages ahead of me are blank and will be written by a hand other than my own, because the present me is really the only one that dies today.

Are you living in the past, present, or future? Do you practice mindfulness or another form of meditation? Ever long for someone to be in your future? Tell us all about it! Thanks for being in my present, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!

The Great Resignation.

After the pandemic, my organization lost a lot of people because they had grown accustomed to working from home. It was called the Great Resignation. There were many people stating reasons for why it happened, but every exit interview had the same response. They wanted to work from home like they did during the pandemic, and my organization was too slow to react on a work from home policy.

During the pandemic, I distinctly remember people talking about the new normal. Everyone assumed that they would just continue working remotely from now on, and many of them simply loved it. They could spend more time at home, where they were most comfortable. If they had a family, they got to spend more time with them. They could also just roll right out of bed and log in, as opposed to going through all the motions to get ready for work, then do the dreaded commute, only to wade through office politics and deal with an occasional unfriendly coworker.

Congratulations, you’ve lost everyone you needed to keep.

At the time of the mass exodus, I happened to be the supervisor over quite a few people who left for better opportunities. My department was almost literally reduced to zero. As each person left, one of the managers under me would tell me, you’ll be fine because so and so is here, don’t lose him! Eventually, we got down to that one person, and out of fear he also turned in his two weeks’ notice, because he didn’t want to be the last man standing. That’s when my manager, who had also already turned in his two weeks, made a rather astounding statement that stuck in my head to this day. He said, congratulations, you’ve lost everyone you needed to keep.

I persevered through all the resignations. It wasn’t easy. I had to mitigate a lot of demands that were placed on my department until we could get back on our feet. I was fortunate that most people were understanding of the situation. I posted a lot of positions, and did countless interviews, all while trying to keep the lights on. I eventually rebuilt an incredible new department from the ground up, hiring everyone myself, and helping them all to get up on their feet.

This is my experience with the Great Resignation. It was hard, but I made it through fine. I may have even built my department back better than it was before. There’s still that phrase left over in my head though. Congratulations, you’ve lost everyone you needed to keep.

I realize now why those words are so burned into my mind. In my life outside of work, I actually did lose the person that I needed to keep the most. They were very special to me. I can never replace them. No matter how good I am as a leader, I can’t fix this situation. I still need them more than anything. The only thing I can really do is pray they one day return to me safely.

Did you experience the Great Resignation where you work? Do you like working from home? What would you have done in my leadership role? Have you ever lost someone that you desperately needed to keep? Let me know in the comments, and please remember to like, share, and subscribe!

What I would do if I knew I couldn’t fail.

There’s many things that would be fun to explore if I knew I couldn’t fail. It would be like playing a video game with infinite lives. No matter how hard you play, there’s no danger of total loss. I would be able to explore the whole world without fear. It might not be very challenging, but I would get to see everything life had to offer, and do it in complete safety.

The thing I would really like to do most, provided it was guaranteed not to fail, is drop everything about my current life and move a thousand miles away and start over with the person who’s company I really enjoy. In the end, I don’t think all the things we have are that important. For me, it’s being with the person I want to be around the most and helping them through life.

Unfortunately, I am tied up in more ways that I can count. It is pretty clear that this lifetime I am in is set in stone for the remainder of it. The only way I would find freedom is if there is a next life. I have learned a lot from my mistakes though. The number one mistake is don’t become obligated to anyone or anything. Live a completely free life and don’t make any promises. Go where your heart takes you.

What would you do if you couldn’t fail? Do you ever feel tied town by your obligations and choices? Is there someone you really enjoy being around? Do you believe promises are weighty? Do you think life would be better if you followed your heart? Let me know in the comments, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!

If I lost all my possessions.

I went through a major downsizing a few years ago. I sold off, gave away, and tossed out almost everything I owned. All my remaining possessions basically fit in the travel trailer I was living in at the time. It wasn’t an easy thing to do, because I had owned many of the items for years. In some ways, they were a part of my identity. It was like unwriting all the pages of my life and ending up with a blank book. Who am I now?

This was especially true of the books I owned. I had lots of computer reference books because I planned on writing an operating system one day. Tossing them out meant that was never going to happen. I think that’s one of the biggest reasons people hoard. They plan on making use of those items one day, but that day never arrives.

In many ways, I love the minimalist lifestyle. It keeps you simple and pure. You know who you really are because you have no attachments. It also makes it easy to just up and move. It’s sort of liberating honestly, but I wouldn’t advise doing it quickly. Remember to keep the things that mean the most to you.

I’m starting to rebuild gradually now, little items and books here and there. I also sold the trailer and moved into an apartment, so there’s quite a bit more room to fill. It’s honestly kind of fun to see where it ends up. I’m not myself anymore. There are no restraints on who I become.

Who you are holds you back way more than where you are. Real change begins on the inside and works its way outward.

In the end, as my life is right now, I could lose all of it. It wouldn’t be fun, but I would just do what I’m doing now. I would start over. Honestly, I feel like starting over is something you should do periodically anyway. Who you are holds you back way more than where you are. Real change begins on the inside and works its way outward. Don’t be afraid to reinvent yourself, just open up that blank book and start writing a new story.

Have you ever had to start over? Could you stand to lose everything? What items could you not bear to lose? Do you like the minimalist lifestyle? Do possessions hold you down? Are you a hoarder? Would you like to rewrite your story? Let me know how you feel on this topic, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!

A lesson I wish I had learned earlier in life.

I could really write the book on life lessons. I have experienced or witnessed about every kind of mess up that life can throw at you. The problem is I don’t really know if knowing them earlier would have made any difference. Knowing about them would have just left a dark cloud over me at a much younger age.

Either way, here’s a life lesson for you, at random, one that appeared in my mind early this morning before I really woke up completely, which is one of the best times to think, that is, when you are half asleep.

You will be completely used up and exhausted by people who didn’t deserve to have you before you meet the person whom you were supposed to give your all.

I’ve had this one happen to me and have seen it repeated many times. In a lot of cases, it’s just that you don’t meet them at the right time. The timing is basically way off. It’s also pretty common for someone to choose someone for all the wrong reasons and end up in a toxic relationship with a total user or player. I think relationships are very interesting, because they can go wrong in so many ways, and usually do.

Have any life lessons to share? Have you seen or experienced this one? Do you think we ever really learn our lesson? Let me know in the comments, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!