Tag: responsible

What I would do if I knew I couldn’t fail.

There’s many things that would be fun to explore if I knew I couldn’t fail. It would be like playing a video game with infinite lives. No matter how hard you play, there’s no danger of total loss. I would be able to explore the whole world without fear. It might not be very challenging, but I would get to see everything life had to offer, and do it in complete safety.

The thing I would really like to do most, provided it was guaranteed not to fail, is drop everything about my current life and move a thousand miles away and start over with the person who’s company I really enjoy. In the end, I don’t think all the things we have are that important. For me, it’s being with the person I want to be around the most and helping them through life.

Unfortunately, I am tied up in more ways that I can count. It is pretty clear that this lifetime I am in is set in stone for the remainder of it. The only way I would find freedom is if there is a next life. I have learned a lot from my mistakes though. The number one mistake is don’t become obligated to anyone or anything. Live a completely free life and don’t make any promises. Go where your heart takes you.

What would you do if you couldn’t fail? Do you ever feel tied town by your obligations and choices? Is there someone you really enjoy being around? Do you believe promises are weighty? Do you think life would be better if you followed your heart? Let me know in the comments, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!

The best advice I have ever received.

I do seem to be the advice seeking type. I really listened to people when I was young. I had no idea how to survive in this world, and quite frankly, it never made much sense to me. I also read many self-help books along the way. I think they provided a lot of great advice, far too much to list here. I also don’t think I could just settle on one piece of advice being the best. It takes a variety of advice to get through life, and some of it no one will tell you, because they don’t even know what to do either. Below are a few gems I came up with.

Good enough for who it’s for.

This advice I have to attribute to my grandfather. I don’t think many people would have called him a sage, but this advice did stick in my head as being wise. He was the type of person who fixed everything himself. I suppose growing up in the depression taught him a few things. Very often, he would build things, or repair them, and they didn’t always look so beautiful. Some of his fixes might be what you call redneck today. They did not look professional, but they got the job done. I like this advice, because there is a lot of humility in it. He was saying, it’s not perfect, but neither am I. This will suffice for me until something better can be afforded. I respect him most for his incredible humility.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

At first glance, this doesn’t seem like good advice. It seems incredibly pessimistic and positively atrocious. Up until a few years ago, I would have considered myself to be an optimistic person. That all changed to some extent, but I don’t think I’m a pessimist now. I think I was jarred into being a realist. After that change, this advice started to make more sense to me.

The good thing about this advice is that I can forgive myself. Life can be incredibly bad. It almost seems like some sort of purgatory actually. At the end though, I didn’t create it this way. I’m mainly just watching it, and hoping it doesn’t become completely unbearable, but I’ve seen that happen before, so I know it’s inevitable.

We humans tend to think we are some sort of god, but we are more like little drops of water tossed about on the waves. Under our delusions, we also think we should take on the full responsibility for how the universe turns out. I actuality, we are just kicking ourselves for things we didn’t create, don’t have much power to change, and is really not our responsibility. Just sit back and watch the movie of life unfold and pray it isn’t a horror film.

Swear not at all.

This is definitely one of my favorite pieces of advice. I wish I had figured it out sooner. I would have avoided considerable agony. It is actually scriptural. In my opinion, it is a commandment issued by Jesus. He wasn’t light about this either. He basically says it comes straight from evil. He instructs us to make no promises at all because we can’t control very many things, especially where the future is concerned. The advice given is to only say yes or no, because anything beyond that is pure evil.

When you make promises, you are selling your future self into slavery. Your future self is not actually you. When the future actually gets here, you will likely be a totally different person, or you might simply not have the ability or means to grant what you promised. This will probably lead to bad results or even further promises. That is why many indentured servants never escaped servitude. Before they had paid back one debt, they had already promised another. Freedom only comes when you are free of all contracts and promises. This is hard to accomplish in our society, but I still believe we should strive for freedom whenever possible.

Books that influenced me.

As mentioned earlier, I have read lots of self-help books along the way. Below are a few that I have personally read, and I think they made an impact on me. I believe you will find them enjoyable and enlightening.

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

After decades of research, world-renowned Stanford University psychologist Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D., discovered a simple but groundbreaking idea: the power of mindset. In this brilliant book, she shows how success in school, work, sports, the arts, and almost every area of human endeavor can be dramatically influenced by how we think about our talents and abilities. People with a fixed mindset—those who believe that abilities are fixed—are less likely to flourish than those with a growth mindset—those who believe that abilities can be developed. Mindset reveals how great parents, teachers, managers, and athletes can put this idea to use to foster outstanding accomplishment.

How to Win Friends and Influence People

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is a practical guide for personal development and self-improvement. The illustrated version includes visual aids and examples, making it easier to understand and apply the concepts discussed. This book targets individuals seeking to improve their communication skills and develop effective relationships.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life

Manson makes the argument, backed both by academic research and well-timed poop jokes, that improving our lives hinges not on our ability to turn lemons into lemonade, but on learning to stomach lemons better. Human beings are flawed and limited—”not everybody can be extraordinary, there are winners and losers in society, and some of it is not fair or your fault.” Manson advises us to get to know our limitations and accept them. Once we embrace our fears, faults, and uncertainties, once we stop running and avoiding and start confronting painful truths, we can begin to find the courage, perseverance, honesty, responsibility, curiosity, and forgiveness we seek.

What’s the best advice given to you? What advice have you learned on your own? Is there someone you look to for advice? What’s the best advice-giving books you have read? Let’s hear about it in the comments, and please remember to like, share, and subscribe!

My favorite word

I personally like the word carefree. It isn’t a word I use often, but it conveys a powerful meaning to me. It means being happily free of all responsibility. I have been saddled with responsibilities since young adulthood, and I have hated it honestly. I think people should be able to live a relatively carefree and spontaneous life, but that is not the case with our world. It is burdensome and requires tons of maintenance just to keep the gears spinning in the right direction.

I’m not a huge spender, nor do I crave lots of money, but I would love to win the lottery, simply because I could then live a very carefree lifestyle. I wouldn’t have to set the alarm every day. I wouldn’t have to deal with difficult people. I wouldn’t have to show up somewhere. I could do the things I wanted to do every day. I wouldn’t have any anxiety about making ends meet. I could finally just live. I think that’s why money is really important, not to buy junk, but to finally emancipate yourself.

There’s another word I do use pretty often. It’s the word fabulous. A lot of times, people will ask me how I’m doing, and I will respond with the word fabulous. I say it in a very positive way most of the time, and I think it has a good effect on people generally. If you say it right, the word conveys a meaning that things are not just good, but a little better than good. I think it’s a word people would associate with me if they had to greet me every day. I guess that’s better than other F words.

Thanks for reading! I hope you have a fabulous and carefree day!

What are your favorite words? Do you long for a carefree life? Do you think our world is burdensome? What would you do if you won the lottery? Do you try to greet people exuberantly? Do you use the F word often? Let me know in the comments, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!

I am holding a grudge!

I am holding a grudge! It’s not against any human being though. I honestly believe people are mostly confused bystanders, so I forgive them. I have a grudge against the material universe! It has done so many terrible things to my soul. For the life of me, I do not see why I have put up with the relationship for as long as I have. I should have kicked it out a long time ago. Here are some of the things that make me want to break up with the material world and start dating a new universe.

  1. The universe will not let you meet the right person at the right time. The universe will watch you suffer with loneliness until you give up and settle, then introduce you to your soulmate. If you’re lucky it will spare you the pain of watching them date your best friend.
  2. The universe does not present you with what you really want. It gives you a selection of things that are of the lesser of two evils variety, then it will bestow what you really wanted on someone who didn’t deserve it to make you turn on them.
  3. When it looks like things are really in the clear, and you’ve made it, the universe will throw you an unbelievably bad circumstance that will ruin everything you have done up to this point. You will have to start completely over.
  4. The universe will not let bad things happen in a way you can deal with them. It will throw a tantrum and flood you with every bad thing imaginable at once, literally, it will totally suffocate the life out of you. It is an abusive partner.
  5. The universe will never allow there to be plenty to go around. It will limit all the resources to the point that everyone is killing each other over them to avoid starvation. It secretly laughs at the chaos it’s caused human beings.
  6. The universe will inflict pain, illness, and death on you and everyone you love, so you will realize how helpless and pathetic you are in comparison to it’s glorious greatness. Yes, it is the most narcissistic being you will ever date.
  7. It will bind you up in an unbelievable number of promises, obligations, responsibilities, and contracts, to the point where you will never even begin to work on the things your life was supposed to be about. It will make you it’s slave.
  8. It will eat away at your soul, inch by inch, making you a bitter person, trying to force you to give up all your love, hope, and faith, because those are the only weapons that can leave it wounded and bleeding.

Do any of these things sound familiar to you? Are we dating the same person? Has your love affair with the material world ever gone sour for you? Has it shown you it’s true colors yet? Let me know what you think in the comments, and don’t forget to like, share, and comment!

All the kittens died.

Please be advised that this post contains some graphic descriptions.

I knew her for many years, and I liked her, but I had only found out recently that she liked me the whole time I had known her. I remember she and I started hanging around each other a lot more, and things began to come out in the open. It was kind of surprising to me at the time, but felt great that our feelings were mutual.

I have a memory of one day when we made a drive in the country together. She had a horse and she was going to show her to me. She was something of a cowgirl I guess, and did barrel racing growing up. We drove out toward the ranch where her horse was pastured, but we never quite made it there. It was at one of her girlfriend’s house, but if I remember right, she saw she had company and didn’t want to interrupt, so we just kept driving around.

The conversation we were having was very distracting, and I remember it made me make a wrong turn. I actually turned down the wrong side of the highway, which was one way, and I was going against traffic! It didn’t take me long to correct this of course, and I’m lucky there weren’t many cars on the road that far out of town. Maybe this was a sign telling me I was going the wrong way.

As we talked, it came out how much we really liked each other, but something sort of came to mind that bothered me. I remembered something that happened to me when I was a child growing up. It was one of those things that is in the back of your mind influencing things, but you don’t really talk about it.

When I was growing up, there were a lot of stray cats living around the house. It was a small town and no one seemed to mind them. Some people put out food for them. I think people believed they were a good thing to have around because they might eat things like mice and rats, or maybe kill small snakes.

As a kid, I loved these cats so much and spent considerable time around them. Since they were strays, they were not neutered, and it was not uncommon to find a bunch of kittens in a wood pile or under the house. This was very wonderful for me to find as a child!

Every time I would come upon a litter of kittens, I would pet and play with them for hours. During this time, it was inevitable that I would find one that I loved the most. It was most often the black one because it usually had a patch of white fur right under it’s chin. It sort of made it look like it was wearing a tiny tuxedo.

Since my family was religious, I was a very faithful child. Because of this, a very strange idea crept into my little mind. I began to believe that if I loved a kitten too much, God would take it away from me, because it interfered with my love for God. I admit it was probably a silly idea that God might be somehow jealous of a kitten, but I was a superstitious youth, and kind of believed it at the time.

I should give some back story here. Young stray cats often get into a lot of trouble while they are growing up. There’s actually a lot of ways they can get hurt very badly, but there’s one thing that is especially dangerous to them, as I found out the hard way.

In the old days, cars had large cavities under the hood by the engine that were warm, dark, and quiet most of the time. These spaces were very inviting for a young cat because they could climb up into this area for protection from the elements and other animals. Unfortunately, cars back then also had a big metal fan that rotated at high speed when the engine was running, and it was prone to quickly massacre young felines before they even knew what hit them.

Because of my superstitious ideas, I began to notice something odd happening with the stray kittens. It always seemed like the cat I loved the most was the one to hit the fan first. I’m sure my focus on this one kitten increased my chances of noticing it missing more, but I couldn’t get it out of my mind that I might somehow be responsible.

I was positively traumatized by this every time it happened. It was one of the most terrible parts of my childhood, and I know my dad hated it as bad as I did, because it was usually him cranking the car to go to work in the morning that caused the accident. I can’t imagine how that made his morning.

I’m so glad my dad took care of this before I saw it. I wouldn’t know at all until the next day when I went looking for my favorite cat and couldn’t find him, only to be told later what happened when I asked my parents.

For many years afterwards, I was very scared to love anything deeply, because I didn’t want to feel responsible if something bad happened. I felt like God would take what I loved away, sometimes in the most terrible way possible. I was totally traumatized by these kittens being decapitated, and felt like I was the cause of it all.

I love you enough to give this a try, but I have to tell you, all the kittens died.

This crazy thought was still buried in my psyche many years later when I was on this ride through the country. I remember I told her, I love you enough to give this a try, but I have to tell you, all the kittens died. She was, of course, totally baffled by what I meant until I explained it later.

As far as I know, she’s still alive and well, but my what hell we went though together! It set in motion something that tore my heart into little shreds! Honestly, the trauma I had from the kittens seems light in comparison. From what I’ve heard, she might have fared even worse, but she hasn’t really told me what happened after she left town.

It’s over now, but I do still care about her deeply. I’m very sorry for what happened to both of us. If I had it to do over, I still don’t know if I could have changed anything. I think it was part of our destiny together. This time, the kitten lived! Thank God!

What experiences have you had with stray animals? Have you ever lost a pet to an automobile? Have you had similar traumatizing events? Have you ever had any superstitious ideas? What’s the best way to get over your superstitions? Let me know in the comments, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!

The change I would like to make with this blog.

Honestly, I gave up on changing the world. My desire to change the world was beaten out of me by some really hard life events. I tried very hard to change the fate of just one person, but I failed miserably. This blog is more like a way of recovering from the trauma I have endured over the the last five or six years from trying to change the world.

I also don’t think I can change anyone’s life through this blog. I’m glad if my journey helps them feel better about their own life circumstances, but I am not responsible for their life direction. I recognize they may decide to make some sort of change after reading something I wrote, but the power to change is within them, not me.

Another reason for this blog is expression. There are ideas and feelings that are sort of trapped inside me. I have no other way of releasing them except through writing. I occasionally share thoughts with a friend or random stranger I meet, but much of what I experience is probably common to everyone, except we are not always brave enough to write about it publicly, or at least I wasn’t until recently.

I think at some point in a person’s life they just want to leave something behind that shows they were here. That is another reason I write. It’s the closest to immortality that we can ever come in the material world. Of course, I’m not sure if anything I ever did will last more than a few years after my passing, but no harm in trying.

Lastly, I have met some really amazing people along the way. Some of them really helped me in ways that I can never repay. Others were just interesting, or quirky, or brought out some surprising aspect of human nature, all worthy of writing about. My story was not my own. All these people were a passing part of it, all characters in my book, and a few of them appearing here, immortalized by my words.

One last thought I sometimes consider about blogging. I don’t necessarily believe in reincarnation, but it certainly might be real. I’m not really overjoyed by the thought of repeating the same mistakes eternally. Maybe if I left behind something that my future self can use, that might help him to get off the ground faster, or at least prevent him from worrying about the things he cannot control.

Possible discussion ideas…

  1. How would you change the world?
  2. Do any of my reasons for writing jive with you?
  3. Do you know or meet people you just want to write about?
  4. Do you ever think about leaving something behind?
  5. Did you ever write about a traumatic experience?
  6. Do you think the world is changeable or set?
  7. Was it hard for you to post your thoughts publicly?
  8. Do you worry about things out of your control?
  9. Do you believe in reincarnation?
  10. What would you tell your future self?

Let me know what you think in the comments, and thanks for being here! Please like, share, and subscribe!

The things I know for certain.

What do I know for certain? This question, like many questions, is as simple or as difficult as you want to make it. Knowing for certain is actually something that philosophers have pondered for centuries and I don’t think we know anything with absolute certainty. Socrates was one of the earliest known person to come to this realization. When the Oracle said that Socrates was the wisest man in Greece, Socrates reportedly replied that the only thing he knew for certain was that he new nothing. This one piece of wisdom set him apart from everyone else because he recognized his own ignorance.

Fast forward a few years and we have another philosopher who had something to add to the issue of not knowing for certain. René Descartes postulated that he did know one thing for certain. He knew that if he could ponder such questions, he must actually exist. His most famous quote was cogito, ergo sum (I think, therefore, I am). From the basis that his thinking mind was the first thing provable, he went on to suggest that other things could be deduced from this foundation, such as the existence of God.

Working off these two philosophers, I will see if I can come up with 10 things I know for certain. I really have my doubts and the further away I get from the first one, the harder it is to prove for certain.

  1. I know I exist, because if I didn’t exist, it would be impossible to think this.
  2. I know that ideas exist, because if they didn’t, it would be impossible to think.
  3. I know that ideas are the basis of reality, because nothing can proven without them.
  4. I know I perceive an external reality that is mostly outside of my control.
  5. I know that since I can’t control this reality, I am mostly not responsible for it.
  6. I know I perceive that there are others like me who can think.
  7. I know that what I believe can change my perception of reality.
  8. I know that I believe in a higher power who is watching over me.
  9. I know I perceive the external reality to be solid, physical, and finite in nature.
  10. I know that the finite nature of this reality creates stress, fighting, and evil.

I believe the first three are the most solid. I don’t doubt the certainty of them logically. The rest are based a lot on my perception as a person. It’s odd that reality seems to start and end with us. We are the only thing capable of proving that the universe even exists. The light shines through the darkness, but the darkness cannot perceive or understand it, only we can.

What do you think of this list? What do you know for certain? Tell me in the comments. Also, don’t forget to like, subscribe, follow, and share!

The last ride.

I got the call in the afternoon, if I remember right. It was a nurse who worked at the nursing home where my dad was staying. She had a lot of concern in her voice. I knew this wasn’t going to be good.

I knew this nurse a little. I think her name was Josie, but I’m not totally positive. I moved away many years prior to this incident. She was younger than me, but she knew my family. She lived in the same small town where they lived, and everybody knew everybody.

A few days prior to that, my dad had trouble walking. That’s why he was in the nursing home. One of his legs didn’t work very well and he kept falling when he put weight on it. I remember him telling me about it. I didn’t know what to say, but I felt deep sorrow about his health deteriorating. He was a very active person, and I knew being non-ambulatory would greatly reduce his quality of life.

The nurse told me my dad was getting worse. She said, he can’t stand up and is becoming incontinent. Then she said, I can call this in, but they will take him back to the same hospital that released him here. She wasn’t sure this was the right choice.

Right before my dad lost control over his leg, he had a chemical stress test done at this hospital. There was some suspicion that the stress test might have triggered a stroke, and that was why he lost control over his leg. She didn’t want to send him back if there was a possibility of malpractice.

I couldn’t afford to make an imperfect move. My dad’s life was hanging in the balance.

I wasn’t sure what to do, but I felt completely responsible. I knew this was one of those life changing decisions I was going to have to make. I couldn’t afford to make an imperfect move. My dad’s life was hanging in the balance. It felt like I alone would have to save him. The weight of this whole ordeal was unbelievably heavy.

I remember telling her, I see your point, but I’m unsure what options we have. She then said, I have to release him back to the same hospital, because that’s the only one around, but you can take him anywhere.

I should note at this point, that areas with less population density don’t always attract the best medical professionals, and they often can’t afford the best equipment. The harsh truth is, these small hospitals are of much lessor quality than those in major cities.

The nurse was suggesting that I drive all the way to the nursing home, which was almost a two hour drive, in a completely different state, then pick him up and drive him all the way back to where I live, and walk him into an emergency room. She knew the hospitals where I lived were much better, and she felt like my dad could get a more accurate diagnosis there. She wasn’t wrong.

I felt like I had to give it a shot for my dad’s sake. Shortly after this phone call ended, I jumped in my car and made the long drive to the nursing home to pick up my dad.

In hindsight, it just seems fitting that the last ride was made in his van.

Other family members were there to help me load him up. We took his red mini van because it would be much more comfortable for him than my small coupe. This van was also his pride and joy. In hindsight, it just seems fitting that the last ride was made in his van.

When I got there, I could see he had really deteriorated since I had last seen him. He was now on pain meds. I felt really bad about transporting him this way, but I wasn’t sure what else to do. The drive was going to be long, and it wasn’t going to be a pleasant ride for him.

I felt like I was being a good son. I believed I was going to save my dad. Looking back, I realize I was very naive.

At that time, I thought, we are going to get a diagnosis, figure out if it was a stroke, and I know that’s bad, but if we can get that stabilized, we can work on his rehabilitation. It will be hard, but maybe he can walk again. I felt like we were going to get through this. I felt like I was being a good son. I believed I was going to save my dad. Looking back, I realize I was very naive.

I’ve driven a lot in my life, I really have. At that time, I commuted a couple hours everyday. I’ve also taken road trips, not long ones, but pretty significant ones. I was also quite fond of making drives in the country, just looking at trees and pastures, but none of those drives would compare to this one.

I can still remember the sound of the van door sliding shut. That was the sound of my old life being closed off forever.

I will remember the trip for the rest of my life, but not because something happened on the way. It was just a long dark ride down an empty highway, with nothing but black pastures on either side, completely lifeless except for the occasional black silhouette of a trees and shrubs speeding past the side windows. My life was never the same afterwards though. I can still remember the sound of the van door sliding shut. That was the sound of my old life being closed off forever.

We finally arrived at the hospital where I live. This would be the first but not the last hospital we would be at that night. I got him into the ER and explained the symptoms. They began running a battery of tests. The night seemed to creep by very slowly.

I’m sorry I have to be the one to tell you this, but your dad has a tumor in his brain.

It seemed like forever, but the doctor finally came to tell me what they had found. He looked grave. He said, we think we found what is wrong with your dad, but we are not equipped to treat something like this at this hospital. He showed me a chart, and said, I’m sorry I have to be the one to tell you this, but your dad has a tumor in his brain. The best thing we can do is get him transported to a bigger hospital, and they can decide his treatment.

At that time, I was still my old self, the self that believed in happy endings, the self that had hope left inside him. Unfortunately, that self was about to die.

I don’t know how to describe my feelings at that moment. Everything just felt numb all over. The words were spoken, but they just didn’t register. I think maybe I was in shock. I couldn’t let anyone see how I really felt inside. I had to be strong for my mom and dad. At that time, I was still my old self, the self that believed in happy endings, the self that had hope left inside him. Unfortunately, that self was about to die.

He was taken to the hospital in the city where I now live, years later. At the time though, I barely visited this city. It was big and scary to me. I wasn’t sure I could navigate the roads and traffic to even find my dad. I was afraid I would have a wreck on the way. Miraculously, my mom and I made it.

My dad stayed in intensive care that night and my mom slept in a chair beside his bed. It was a long night. I finally got a few hours sleep in one of the waiting rooms. It wasn’t comfortable and the room was freezing. I was awakened by strangers shuffling around the next morning and staring at me. I felt really rough and probably looked it.

The tears were flooding out of my eyes in an absolute maelstrom.

I remember driving my dad’s minivan home to get some things at my house. When I was away from my mom, I just let it all out. I was in a city I never visited with traffic all around, and I remember just screaming at the top of my lungs at one point, and it all just broke loose. The tears were flooding out of my eyes in an absolute maelstrom. I couldn’t even see the road. I don’t know how I got home that day, and at that moment I really didn’t care if I made it.

I was absolutely mad as hell that this was going to happen!

In my mind, I then knew what was ahead. I knew it was going the be the most horrific thing I could imagine happening to the greatest man I had ever known. He did not deserve this! He was a good man. He was in church every Sunday, and prayed every day, and never wronged anyone. He was a saint. The worst cuss word I ever heard him say was cotton picking. This was just wrong! I was not just horrified and saddened to an unbelievable level; I was absolutely mad as hell that this was going to happen!

There were many long days to follow. They did tests and a biopsy. It was worse than they thought. They discovered that the cancer he had was a kind of cancer that is usually found in the lungs, but it had metastasized and spread to other parts of his body. They found cancer in his lungs and pancreas as well as his head.

The tumor in his brain had grown big enough that it was producing stroke like symptoms. That was why he wasn’t able to walk. He would eventually lose control over the entire right side of his body, including half of his throat, preventing him from swallowing food.

The doctor then told me the worst news. He said, your dad is not in a condition that we would recommend treatment. It would just cause him a lot of suffering and the result would be the same. He has stage four cancer and it is terminal. He said, I’m sorry, but we recommend you focus on quality of life, and hospice care is a good option.

Seeing your dad die like this is not something a son should ever have to witness.

It was a hard decision, but my mom and I decided that the doctor was right. The hardest part was letting my dad know. He was a man who loved life and family. It was very hard seeing my dad cry when he realized he was going to have to say goodbye. He was the strong one, not me. Seeing your dad die like this is not something a son should ever have to witness.

I can remember holding his hand many times those last few days.

It didn’t happen quickly. He was eventually released to a care facility close to my house where I could visit him. I remember some days I could hear him moaning in pain before I even got to the room. Some days were better though. His brother and sister were able to visit him. I can remember holding his hand many times those last few days.

Unfortunately, his sister died shortly after visiting him. She died peacefully at home after finding out her baby brother was terminal. I never told my dad she passed. I felt like it was more that he needed to bear.

His health continued to deteriorate and his quality of life along with it. The biggest issue he had was that he couldn’t swallow his food very well because half of his throat was paralyzed. This caused him to aspirate part of the food, which eventually led to him getting pneumonia, and that was what really killed him.

I remember the last night in the hospital in the old town where I used to live. My mom and I sat with him for the last time. His breathing was very labored, and they had him knocked out with drugs. I knew he wasn’t going to wake up this time. My mom said she couldn’t bear to see this anymore. I took her home and I got a call from the nurse saying that my father had passed.

Right after my dad died, everything seemed to enter a dark spiral. I’m not the superstitious type, but I sometimes wonder if good people keep the world in balance. I sometimes feel like they are the pillars that hold everything up. Maybe not physically, but in some supernatural way. After they are gone, the world is simply not the same without them.

I stopped believing in happy endings.

I wish I could say I recovered from all this, but I really didn’t. I’m not the same man who got into the van on that fateful day. A part of me died on that trip, and I stopped believing in happy endings. That being said, I would do it all again for my dad.

There is something I did learn from all this. When I broke down in that van, I remember this very powerful thought entering my mind. I remember thinking, I did not create this situation. I did not create cancer. I did not create death. If I created this world myself, I wouldn’t even allow those things to exist.

At that point it occurred to me that the amount of control I actually do have is microscopic. I can’t control any of the factors that caused cancer to become a reality. It is also true that responsibility follows control. You cannot be held responsible for something unless you have absolute control over it, and the amount of control you have over this universe is positively miniscule.

Forgive yourself and be at peace.

Stop blaming yourself. You are not the one who is holding all the cards. You are not the one with all the responsibility. It’s not your fault. None if this is your fault. It was all put in motion before you were even born. Forgive yourself and be at peace.

This was a hard one to write. I hope something good comes from it. Let me know in the comments what you think, and don’t forget to like and subscribe.