Please be advised that this post contains some graphic descriptions.
I knew her for many years, and I liked her, but I had only found out recently that she liked me the whole time I had known her. I remember she and I started hanging around each other a lot more, and things began to come out in the open. It was kind of surprising to me at the time, but felt great that our feelings were mutual.
I have a memory of one day when we made a drive in the country together. She had a horse and she was going to show her to me. She was something of a cowgirl I guess, and did barrel racing growing up. We drove out toward the ranch where her horse was pastured, but we never quite made it there. It was at one of her girlfriend’s house, but if I remember right, she saw she had company and didn’t want to interrupt, so we just kept driving around.
The conversation we were having was very distracting, and I remember it made me make a wrong turn. I actually turned down the wrong side of the highway, which was one way, and I was going against traffic! It didn’t take me long to correct this of course, and I’m lucky there weren’t many cars on the road that far out of town. Maybe this was a sign telling me I was going the wrong way.
As we talked, it came out how much we really liked each other, but something sort of came to mind that bothered me. I remembered something that happened to me when I was a child growing up. It was one of those things that is in the back of your mind influencing things, but you don’t really talk about it.
When I was growing up, there were a lot of stray cats living around the house. It was a small town and no one seemed to mind them. Some people put out food for them. I think people believed they were a good thing to have around because they might eat things like mice and rats, or maybe kill small snakes.
As a kid, I loved these cats so much and spent considerable time around them. Since they were strays, they were not neutered, and it was not uncommon to find a bunch of kittens in a wood pile or under the house. This was very wonderful for me to find as a child!
Every time I would come upon a litter of kittens, I would pet and play with them for hours. During this time, it was inevitable that I would find one that I loved the most. It was most often the black one because it usually had a patch of white fur right under it’s chin. It sort of made it look like it was wearing a tiny tuxedo.
Since my family was religious, I was a very faithful child. Because of this, a very strange idea crept into my little mind. I began to believe that if I loved a kitten too much, God would take it away from me, because it interfered with my love for God. I admit it was probably a silly idea that God might be somehow jealous of a kitten, but I was a superstitious youth, and kind of believed it at the time.
I should give some back story here. Young stray cats often get into a lot of trouble while they are growing up. There’s actually a lot of ways they can get hurt very badly, but there’s one thing that is especially dangerous to them, as I found out the hard way.
In the old days, cars had large cavities under the hood by the engine that were warm, dark, and quiet most of the time. These spaces were very inviting for a young cat because they could climb up into this area for protection from the elements and other animals. Unfortunately, cars back then also had a big metal fan that rotated at high speed when the engine was running, and it was prone to quickly massacre young felines before they even knew what hit them.
Because of my superstitious ideas, I began to notice something odd happening with the stray kittens. It always seemed like the cat I loved the most was the one to hit the fan first. I’m sure my focus on this one kitten increased my chances of noticing it missing more, but I couldn’t get it out of my mind that I might somehow be responsible.
I was positively traumatized by this every time it happened. It was one of the most terrible parts of my childhood, and I know my dad hated it as bad as I did, because it was usually him cranking the car to go to work in the morning that caused the accident. I can’t imagine how that made his morning.
I’m so glad my dad took care of this before I saw it. I wouldn’t know at all until the next day when I went looking for my favorite cat and couldn’t find him, only to be told later what happened when I asked my parents.
For many years afterwards, I was very scared to love anything deeply, because I didn’t want to feel responsible if something bad happened. I felt like God would take what I loved away, sometimes in the most terrible way possible. I was totally traumatized by these kittens being decapitated, and felt like I was the cause of it all.
I love you enough to give this a try, but I have to tell you, all the kittens died.
This crazy thought was still buried in my psyche many years later when I was on this ride through the country. I remember I told her, I love you enough to give this a try, but I have to tell you, all the kittens died. She was, of course, totally baffled by what I meant until I explained it later.
As far as I know, she’s still alive and well, but my what hell we went though together! It set in motion something that tore my heart into little shreds! Honestly, the trauma I had from the kittens seems light in comparison. From what I’ve heard, she might have fared even worse, but she hasn’t really told me what happened after she left town.
It’s over now, but I do still care about her deeply. I’m very sorry for what happened to both of us. If I had it to do over, I still don’t know if I could have changed anything. I think it was part of our destiny together. This time, the kitten lived! Thank God!
What experiences have you had with stray animals? Have you ever lost a pet to an automobile? Have you had similar traumatizing events? Have you ever had any superstitious ideas? What’s the best way to get over your superstitions? Let me know in the comments, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!
Ken's Life 