Tag: loved

I wouldn’t bet on it

Years have gone by since it happened, but I only recently began to recover. While lying in bed this morning, I began pondering the reason why, because it didn’t make sense to me. How could one person cause this much emotional damage by leaving? While in that half asleep state I love some much, a state where I can think so clearly, the answers began to filter into my mind.

They say life is a gamble. I realize now that there is a lot more truth to that old saying than I first imagined. Each one of us has a stack of poker chips, but these chips don’t represent money necessarily. They instead represent our happiness. Every day we place our bets on something, hoping the gamble will payoff big time. What we don’t realize is, we are actually gambling with our own happiness.

For instance, when I committed myself to my studies in college, I knew I was sacrificing some of my present happiness for the hope that I would eventually win something bigger. It was a small bet I made every day, tossing a few of my happiness chips onto the table with every hour of study, waiting for the cards to eventually be played.

It didn’t have to payoff though. There are no guarantees in life. I could have sacrificed all that happiness in vain. Many people waste countless hours and a small fortune, just to find themselves smothered in debt and working at a low paying job. They could also face health issues before raking in all their winnings. Any number of things could actually happen. It really is a gamble. You could lose it all.

She did something to me that few people ever did before her. She made me happy, very happy, immensely happy. I loved that about her. I also knew she could give me unimaginable happiness in the future. I just had to keep her around somehow. Unfortunately, there were so many things I had to give up for her, so many chips I needed to toss onto the table. It scared me how much actually.

It was very hard to do, but I wanted her so badly that I decided I was going to go all in on this bet. I really needed this win. I also couldn’t afford to lose what I had already put on the table. It was foolish, but I felt like I had no other choice but to push all my chips onto the table, every last one of them. It made me horribly sick, just realizing what I was willing to sacrifice for her.

I felt like there was a chance, because I was on a good winning streak at the time. I was just about to graduate with a masters degree, and was even considering a Ph.D. More lucrative job opportunities were also opening up for the first time. I think I was blinded by these successes and temporarily forgot that I could lose everything. Basically, I made the same mistake all gamblers make. I didn’t realize it was time to step away from the table, because my luck was about to run out.

The cards came back, and I watched as the entire table was swept away by the dealer. I had lost everything! There was literally zero happiness left. I had basically done the equivalent of betting the house on a game of poker and lost. Except it wasn’t a house I lost. It was myself. It was my heart, my mind, my soul, everything. I stepped away from that table emotionally broke and bankrupt.

It was the most foolish bet I ever made, but I just couldn’t help it. I couldn’t see myself going on without her. I realize now that I must have actually wanted her more than everything else. I kind of hate myself for that. I should have loved myself more. I should have loved other people more. I sacrificed everything in the hopes of winning that one bet, and just like that, I became the world’s biggest loser.

I think I am slowly recovering from this catastrophic loss, one chip at a time, and hedging all my bets this time. Maybe if I’m lucky enough, I will one day gain back all the happiness I sacrificed on this one person.

Have you ever bet the bank on someone? Have you ever felt emotionally bankrupt? Do you think this is a good analogy? Are you someone who takes big chances? Let me know in the comments, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!

The most confident person.

I am asked who is the most confident person I know? Honestly, I think it used to be me. A few years ago, I had a very close friend, and I was trying to tell her that something would work out fine. She then said something that really stuck in my head. She said, “how can you be so incredibly sure all the time?” I hadn’t thought about it that much until she said it, but just hearing the words triggered a deep introspection. Why did I have so much confidence?

Another question I had was why didn’t she have any confidence? Why was she almost having a mental breakdown over something that I figured would either pass over or eventually turn out in a good way? I remember asking her about it. She said she used to believe in positive outcomes, but then some really bad things happened to her, and she couldn’t get control over them. From then on, she became very anxious and panicky when faced with a serious life decision.

I could see the stress building up inside her as she became increasingly impatient. It felt like she wanted me to provide her with a very clear solution to her problems, a solution that would lead to immediate remediation. I felt utterly helpless at relieving her anxiety. If she was a child, I would have wrapped my arm around her shoulders, kissed her forehead, and said there-there sweet girl, it will be alright. Honestly, I wish I had done that now, as I soon learned that panic causes her to make rash decisions, which often lead to the bad outcomes she was trying to avoid.

Telling secrets by mistake.

All this made me recall something that happened near the beginning of my friendship with her. She told me she had applied for a job in another department. I also knew one of this girl’s best friends. It was a lady who worked at the same place. In a phone conversation with this lady, I remember asking her who the replacement would be for that role when she left. I figured this best friend also knew about her applying for the job, but she didn’t seem to know anything about it.

This was a total surprise to me because they seemed so close. I always saw them together and I knew they hung out after work. What really surprised me though, was that this girl told me about it. I didn’t realize we were that close at the time. I was positively shocked that she told me and not her own best friend. I would eventually find out she thought way more of me than I realized.

This lady asked her about the job application of course, and the next time I saw the girl she pulled me aside to have a private conversation. She said, I didn’t want anyone to know about that. I then told her that I didn’t know it was a secret, but I knew everyone would want the best for her, especially her best friend. I mean, everyone loved this girl, and I knew they would all be happy for her, but maybe I was a little naive at the time.

I also apologized, which is important when you let someone down, even if you were blind to it all. I really liked this girl and didn’t want something like this to ruin our budding friendship. She said she understood, and it was all fine now. The thing about it though, is she was clearly trying to control all aspects of the life decision. She was scared that if people knew, they might try to influence things so that it didn’t work out for her. I honestly felt like that was a little paranoid, but I couldn’t see the world through her eyes. She had no confidence, and was basically living in constant survival mode, a phrase I heard her use more than once.

So, why was I so confident?

I think one of the reasons I was so confident was my faith in God. I sincerely believed that my heavenly father was watching over me at every moment. When things became overwhelming, I had faith that he would reach down and stir the ethers, causing reality to eventually coalesce into something bearable. I just had to have a little patience that’s all. It always seemed to happen that way in times past. I had a long-standing record of things just miraculously working out, so no need to worry myself too much about the ending when God was around.

Of course, that didn’t immediately alleviate the stress I might have to endure in the present. The only tool I had for that was prayer and patience. I also had to be very tough and long suffering unfortunately. I just figured this was how everyone’s life was. Suffering, but ultimately a great victory over all the evil misfortunes that live in the material world.

Unfortunately, another power I had was actually naivety. I didn’t always think of all the possible misfortunes that might befall me. I was oblivious to them due to ignorance and lack of experience with extreme misfortune. My naivety also caused me to be a lot more trusting of people. I believed that since my own intentions were good, then everyone else thought the same way as me. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is assuming other people think like you.

To summarize it, I think my confidence stemmed primarily from these factors.

  1. I have faith in a divine presence who protects me.
  2. I have occasionally witnessed seemingly miraculous events.
  3. I believe that good will overcome evil in the long run.
  4. I use prayer to call upon God to fight my battles.
  5. I have become tough and long suffering.
  6. I have been blessed with many talents.
  7. I cultivated as much patience as possible.
  8. I was relatively naive, which isn’t always bad.
  9. I didn’t distrust the motives of everyone.
  10. I believed confidence improved my odds.

I lost a lot of confidence.

After my interactions with this girl, I started to see more of what it was like to be her, with all her mental and emotional challenges. In many ways, I think she rubbed off on me. She also instilled doubt in my mind and made me a lot less naive. After she exited from my life, I really began to question whether there would be a good outcome for either of us. The long suffering also became very taxing, especially after many years of it. It started breaking me down on the inside. I pray that everything works out for both of us, but I no longer have enough confidence to believe in a happy ending.

Are you a confident person? Do you have any of the traits that led to my confidence? Is there anything you would add? Have you ever been totally confused by another person’s behavior? Do you know anyone who is living in constant survival mode emotionally? Do you know anyone with similar anxiety issues? Would upbringing and childhood trauma lead to this type of anxiety and impatience?

Let me know below, and please remember to like, share, and subscribe!

A person in my family.

I will attempt to describe a family member. I am going to choose my mom’s mother, my maternal grandmother. She was a relatively short lady. I honestly don’t remember her actual height, or even if I ever knew it, but she was considerably shorter than my 6’2″ stature. She had brown curly hair before it turned gray, and blue eyes, and she always wore glasses. I also remember she was kind of bow legged, maybe from riding horses as a kid, as she was born at a time when horses and buggies were still in heavy use, and I heard many stories about them.

She was definitely the most influential person in my life growing up. My mom looked to her for guidance and support. My mom also stayed home and helped to take care of her aging parents, so I grew up around my grandmother. She was just like another parental figure in my life, and the one who provided most of the discipline I might add. She was really a very good person, probably the best I have ever known, and most people who knew her would agree. I had many great experiences with her, and I loved her more than I could ever describe here.

In the later years of her life, she ended up developing cancer in one of her legs. They tried radiation treatment, but that didn’t work. They ended up having to amputate her leg around the knee. She was fine for a while after that. She was definitely one of the hardest working people I have ever met. Even with one leg, she insisted on helping out around the house as much as possible. Her family truly meant everything to her and helping them had always been her way of showing love.

Losing her was one of the most difficult things I had to endure. When the cancer came back, they found it in her lungs. This happened quite a few years ago, so cancer treatment wasn’t as advanced as it is now. By the time it was discovered, it was already too late to do anything about it.

I have this really terrible memory still stuck in my head about it. I remember she was at home, and we were talking about it. She said something like, the doctor told me it was all over my lungs. I looked at her and there was this deep feeling of dread on her face like I had never seen before. It broke my heart into a million pieces, but I wanted to be strong so she wouldn’t lose hope. I remember trying to say something positive. I think I said something like, medical science is a lot more advanced these days, so they might be able to cure it.

I knew they were not going to be able to cure it. This was the day I had spent my whole life praying would never come, because I didn’t want to see it, and I honestly wasn’t sure I could endure watching it, but I knew it was inevitable at this point. I knew she was going to die and so did she. She looked at me and calmly said, well, I don’t see how they can do anything about it, then looked away in despair. I held my composure in her presence, and something quietly died inside my heart.

I’m not sure there are any good questions to ask here. It was a part of my life and now it is recorded here. I just hope you don’t have to experience something like this. Thanks for reading.

The trait I value most about myself.

There’s a lot of traits I have that might be considered valuable, but I don’t know that I notice them too much. They are things that other people would notice more than me, because they are external traits, not internal traits. I live on the inside, not the outside. Here are few external traits that people might notice about me.

  1. I am calm under fire. Several of the people working under me noticed this about me. They sometimes worry about the outcome, and I just stay the course unwaveringly. It is impressive to them that I am fearless and calm. When something does go astray, I gently bring it back on course. It’s an odd trait I picked up over the years. I think it also comes from shifting to a growth mindset.
  2. I have some degree of charisma. It’s not overwhelming, but if people are around me for a while, we begin to unite. I think it’s because they figure out that I’m an empathic person who listens to them, and I can also be pretty fearless under normal conditions. I once read that this is what charisma is all about. It’s a combination of presence, power, and warmth.
  3. I have extensive knowledge in a wide range of fields. I spent half of my life reading textbooks, encyclopedias, and other books. I know quite a bit about computer science, electronics, engineering, psychology, biology, philosophy, etc. I’ve even studied subjects that would be considered esoteric. This is on top of degrees in business and information technology.

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The trait I value the most.

After thinking about it, the trait I value most about myself isn’t any of these. The trait I value most about myself is an odd trait that is at the core of my being. I believe it might drag me down, but I still value it. If I lose it, I will lose some aspect of what makes me into the person that I am.

As I went through life, I met a couple of people along the way that I really came to love on a very deep level. When that occurred, I become very scared that something would happen to them. It caused me to try and keep them in my life and take care of them. I think a lot of people hate this type of behavior, calling it clingy, but to me this feeling is the equivalent of deep love.

I believe this is something that was accidentally taught to me growing up. My grandmother was the closest person to me in my childhood and she was very overprotective. She wouldn’t let me out of her sight for fear that I would get hit by a car, or drown in the pool, or burn myself alive, or catch some awful disease, or you name it. I heard that what was modeled to you growing up is what you think is normal, and what I experienced most was the watchful eye of caring grandparent.

This trait probably causes trouble for me because if you are one of these special people it might feel very clingy. I honestly didn’t always appreciate it growing up either, but it still translates to love in my mind. It is definitely something I like about myself, but other people may not. Basically, I want to take care of a special person and help them survive and thrive because that is how I was raised.

What trait do you value most about yourself? Are you calm under fire? Would you consider yourself charismatic? Do you have a trait that’s misunderstood? Are you a clingy person? Do you avoid clingy people? What subjects do you know the most about? Let us know in the comments, and please like, share, and subscribe! Also, thanks for reading!

The last ride.

I got the call in the afternoon, if I remember right. It was a nurse who worked at the nursing home where my dad was staying. She had a lot of concern in her voice. I knew this wasn’t going to be good.

I knew this nurse a little. I think her name was Josie, but I’m not totally positive. I moved away many years prior to this incident. She was younger than me, but she knew my family. She lived in the same small town where they lived, and everybody knew everybody.

A few days prior to that, my dad had trouble walking. That’s why he was in the nursing home. One of his legs didn’t work very well and he kept falling when he put weight on it. I remember him telling me about it. I didn’t know what to say, but I felt deep sorrow about his health deteriorating. He was a very active person, and I knew being non-ambulatory would greatly reduce his quality of life.

The nurse told me my dad was getting worse. She said, he can’t stand up and is becoming incontinent. Then she said, I can call this in, but they will take him back to the same hospital that released him here. She wasn’t sure this was the right choice.

Right before my dad lost control over his leg, he had a chemical stress test done at this hospital. There was some suspicion that the stress test might have triggered a stroke, and that was why he lost control over his leg. She didn’t want to send him back if there was a possibility of malpractice.

I couldn’t afford to make an imperfect move. My dad’s life was hanging in the balance.

I wasn’t sure what to do, but I felt completely responsible. I knew this was one of those life changing decisions I was going to have to make. I couldn’t afford to make an imperfect move. My dad’s life was hanging in the balance. It felt like I alone would have to save him. The weight of this whole ordeal was unbelievably heavy.

I remember telling her, I see your point, but I’m unsure what options we have. She then said, I have to release him back to the same hospital, because that’s the only one around, but you can take him anywhere.

I should note at this point, that areas with less population density don’t always attract the best medical professionals, and they often can’t afford the best equipment. The harsh truth is, these small hospitals are of much lessor quality than those in major cities.

The nurse was suggesting that I drive all the way to the nursing home, which was almost a two hour drive, in a completely different state, then pick him up and drive him all the way back to where I live, and walk him into an emergency room. She knew the hospitals where I lived were much better, and she felt like my dad could get a more accurate diagnosis there. She wasn’t wrong.

I felt like I had to give it a shot for my dad’s sake. Shortly after this phone call ended, I jumped in my car and made the long drive to the nursing home to pick up my dad.

In hindsight, it just seems fitting that the last ride was made in his van.

Other family members were there to help me load him up. We took his red mini van because it would be much more comfortable for him than my small coupe. This van was also his pride and joy. In hindsight, it just seems fitting that the last ride was made in his van.

When I got there, I could see he had really deteriorated since I had last seen him. He was now on pain meds. I felt really bad about transporting him this way, but I wasn’t sure what else to do. The drive was going to be long, and it wasn’t going to be a pleasant ride for him.

I felt like I was being a good son. I believed I was going to save my dad. Looking back, I realize I was very naive.

At that time, I thought, we are going to get a diagnosis, figure out if it was a stroke, and I know that’s bad, but if we can get that stabilized, we can work on his rehabilitation. It will be hard, but maybe he can walk again. I felt like we were going to get through this. I felt like I was being a good son. I believed I was going to save my dad. Looking back, I realize I was very naive.

I’ve driven a lot in my life, I really have. At that time, I commuted a couple hours everyday. I’ve also taken road trips, not long ones, but pretty significant ones. I was also quite fond of making drives in the country, just looking at trees and pastures, but none of those drives would compare to this one.

I can still remember the sound of the van door sliding shut. That was the sound of my old life being closed off forever.

I will remember the trip for the rest of my life, but not because something happened on the way. It was just a long dark ride down an empty highway, with nothing but black pastures on either side, completely lifeless except for the occasional black silhouette of a trees and shrubs speeding past the side windows. My life was never the same afterwards though. I can still remember the sound of the van door sliding shut. That was the sound of my old life being closed off forever.

We finally arrived at the hospital where I live. This would be the first but not the last hospital we would be at that night. I got him into the ER and explained the symptoms. They began running a battery of tests. The night seemed to creep by very slowly.

I’m sorry I have to be the one to tell you this, but your dad has a tumor in his brain.

It seemed like forever, but the doctor finally came to tell me what they had found. He looked grave. He said, we think we found what is wrong with your dad, but we are not equipped to treat something like this at this hospital. He showed me a chart, and said, I’m sorry I have to be the one to tell you this, but your dad has a tumor in his brain. The best thing we can do is get him transported to a bigger hospital, and they can decide his treatment.

At that time, I was still my old self, the self that believed in happy endings, the self that had hope left inside him. Unfortunately, that self was about to die.

I don’t know how to describe my feelings at that moment. Everything just felt numb all over. The words were spoken, but they just didn’t register. I think maybe I was in shock. I couldn’t let anyone see how I really felt inside. I had to be strong for my mom and dad. At that time, I was still my old self, the self that believed in happy endings, the self that had hope left inside him. Unfortunately, that self was about to die.

He was taken to the hospital in the city where I now live, years later. At the time though, I barely visited this city. It was big and scary to me. I wasn’t sure I could navigate the roads and traffic to even find my dad. I was afraid I would have a wreck on the way. Miraculously, my mom and I made it.

My dad stayed in intensive care that night and my mom slept in a chair beside his bed. It was a long night. I finally got a few hours sleep in one of the waiting rooms. It wasn’t comfortable and the room was freezing. I was awakened by strangers shuffling around the next morning and staring at me. I felt really rough and probably looked it.

The tears were flooding out of my eyes in an absolute maelstrom.

I remember driving my dad’s minivan home to get some things at my house. When I was away from my mom, I just let it all out. I was in a city I never visited with traffic all around, and I remember just screaming at the top of my lungs at one point, and it all just broke loose. The tears were flooding out of my eyes in an absolute maelstrom. I couldn’t even see the road. I don’t know how I got home that day, and at that moment I really didn’t care if I made it.

I was absolutely mad as hell that this was going to happen!

In my mind, I then knew what was ahead. I knew it was going the be the most horrific thing I could imagine happening to the greatest man I had ever known. He did not deserve this! He was a good man. He was in church every Sunday, and prayed every day, and never wronged anyone. He was a saint. The worst cuss word I ever heard him say was cotton picking. This was just wrong! I was not just horrified and saddened to an unbelievable level; I was absolutely mad as hell that this was going to happen!

There were many long days to follow. They did tests and a biopsy. It was worse than they thought. They discovered that the cancer he had was a kind of cancer that is usually found in the lungs, but it had metastasized and spread to other parts of his body. They found cancer in his lungs and pancreas as well as his head.

The tumor in his brain had grown big enough that it was producing stroke like symptoms. That was why he wasn’t able to walk. He would eventually lose control over the entire right side of his body, including half of his throat, preventing him from swallowing food.

The doctor then told me the worst news. He said, your dad is not in a condition that we would recommend treatment. It would just cause him a lot of suffering and the result would be the same. He has stage four cancer and it is terminal. He said, I’m sorry, but we recommend you focus on quality of life, and hospice care is a good option.

Seeing your dad die like this is not something a son should ever have to witness.

It was a hard decision, but my mom and I decided that the doctor was right. The hardest part was letting my dad know. He was a man who loved life and family. It was very hard seeing my dad cry when he realized he was going to have to say goodbye. He was the strong one, not me. Seeing your dad die like this is not something a son should ever have to witness.

I can remember holding his hand many times those last few days.

It didn’t happen quickly. He was eventually released to a care facility close to my house where I could visit him. I remember some days I could hear him moaning in pain before I even got to the room. Some days were better though. His brother and sister were able to visit him. I can remember holding his hand many times those last few days.

Unfortunately, his sister died shortly after visiting him. She died peacefully at home after finding out her baby brother was terminal. I never told my dad she passed. I felt like it was more that he needed to bear.

His health continued to deteriorate and his quality of life along with it. The biggest issue he had was that he couldn’t swallow his food very well because half of his throat was paralyzed. This caused him to aspirate part of the food, which eventually led to him getting pneumonia, and that was what really killed him.

I remember the last night in the hospital in the old town where I used to live. My mom and I sat with him for the last time. His breathing was very labored, and they had him knocked out with drugs. I knew he wasn’t going to wake up this time. My mom said she couldn’t bear to see this anymore. I took her home and I got a call from the nurse saying that my father had passed.

Right after my dad died, everything seemed to enter a dark spiral. I’m not the superstitious type, but I sometimes wonder if good people keep the world in balance. I sometimes feel like they are the pillars that hold everything up. Maybe not physically, but in some supernatural way. After they are gone, the world is simply not the same without them.

I stopped believing in happy endings.

I wish I could say I recovered from all this, but I really didn’t. I’m not the same man who got into the van on that fateful day. A part of me died on that trip, and I stopped believing in happy endings. That being said, I would do it all again for my dad.

There is something I did learn from all this. When I broke down in that van, I remember this very powerful thought entering my mind. I remember thinking, I did not create this situation. I did not create cancer. I did not create death. If I created this world myself, I wouldn’t even allow those things to exist.

At that point it occurred to me that the amount of control I actually do have is microscopic. I can’t control any of the factors that caused cancer to become a reality. It is also true that responsibility follows control. You cannot be held responsible for something unless you have absolute control over it, and the amount of control you have over this universe is positively miniscule.

Forgive yourself and be at peace.

Stop blaming yourself. You are not the one who is holding all the cards. You are not the one with all the responsibility. It’s not your fault. None if this is your fault. It was all put in motion before you were even born. Forgive yourself and be at peace.

This was a hard one to write. I hope something good comes from it. Let me know in the comments what you think, and don’t forget to like and subscribe.