Tag: me

The period of hope.

Today, I am asked to describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to. I believe it started sometime in 2018 and lasted until late 2023. I think of this phase as the period of hope. My life was in pretty bad shape when the period began, but someone came along who gave me hope that things would improve somehow. I just couldn’t figure out how to make the right changes happen without messing a lot of things up for everyone, so I just stalled. I relied entirely on hope, but at least I had that to keep me going.

Sometime in 2023, around the time I paused on my blogging, a couple of events occurred that caused me to lose all the hope I had of a miracle happening. It seemed to have been preceded by a reading of cards, indicating that a new beginning was coming. It was also around the time the person who started this period briefly came back into my life to announce her marriage was a total failure and she had filed for divorce. I think things will keep going and I will be okay, but I don’t have much hope things will correct themselves at this point.

Now, I have the period of drinking and bar patronizing to look forward to. What joy. At least my ability to write convincing characters with severe alcohol problems is maturing rapidly. I also have the bar scene down pat, if I need to incorporate that into a book. I mean, it’s not the first time I’ve heard of writers doing a bit of wine bibbing. Steven King devoted some lines to his experience with it in his book On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft. At least I haven’t taken up smoking yet. I’m mostly just kidding about this (maybe).

It’s not all bad. The period of hope actual made me stressed enough to quit my job and take on a new one. It pretty much doubled my salary. The struggle to pay the rent kind of flew out the window after that, along with all my other money problems. Being able to live large did open up other doorways though, hence the bar hopping. It’s still lonely, but that’s kind of my fault. I can be lonely in a crowded room full of people, if it’s not the right people.

I’m not new to the phases of life, having endured quite a few by now. They all seem like mini lifetimes in themselves, barely having any relation to previous periods, each one with its own distinct personality and habits. I’m just now being introduced to this new one’s personality. Maybe he and I will become great friends by the end. You don’t know until it’s over, whether they will also be difficult to say goodbye to, or you welcome their exit off center stage with a swift kick. I guess we’ll see, but the most concerning thing to me is who I will be when they leave.

What phase did you hate to leave behind? Do phases of life seem to have a distinct personality? Ever have to give up hope on something you wanted badly? Do you struggle with loneliness? How would you describe the current phase of your life? Let us know in the comments, and don’t forget to like and subscribe!

You are not one.

I’m going to deviate from my normal coffee praising posts for a moment and venture into a slightly philosophical topic. This is something I wrote a while back but didn’t post it here. I’m going to add it now with some minor editing. It’s kind of a musing of mine, but I wasn’t sure how it would fit into the rest of the content. Perhaps I will find a way to blend it into other subjects I stumble upon.

I spend a lot of time in deep introspection. Maybe it’s just because I am often bored and alone, or maybe I’m just a pondering sort of guy. One idea that has often popped up in my mind is that we do not appear to be a single person. We appear to be a combination of at least two persons or entities. I believe that understanding can shed quite a bit of light on the situation in which we find ourselves.

The first person (entity) is the inner self. The inner self is your observing mind. This is the self that observes the universe around you. I think this self is mostly what philosophy and religion is talking about when they discuss the concept of a soul. It might also figure into quantum physics because it is basically of the observer of the universe. It is the part of you that actually explores existence and reality. I like to think of it as the reality explorer. I my opinion, this is the real you, but it’s hard to put your finger on it. It’s kind of ethereal.

The second person is the outer self. This is the self that everyone around you sees. It’s not really you but is a kind of vehicle for your inner self. You most easily see the world around you by viewing it through the eyes of this physical vehicle. You also have access to all the other forms of feeling this vehicle is capable of sensing. It is often referred to as the physical body, or the animal body. It also has a brain that is geared toward taking care of this body. It is an animal, just like all the other animals you see around you. Your inner self, or reality explorer self, is very tied to this particular animal and through it senses space and time.

This is where it gets tricky. It is very easy to confuse these two selves. You not only feel this other self’s physical sensations but can also feel its emotions. This other self is trying to survive in a physical world, and it will pull you toward goals that improve its quality of life. Very often, it wins. In most cases, both selves are working toward similar goals, but not always. Life problems begin to occur when these two selves have conflicting goals. The communication between you and the animal is very good but not perfect. Sometimes when you tell it to do something it revolts because it has other plans. It also often responds better to training and habits than direct commands.

For instance, you want to lose weight, but your physical self wants to eat a sugar glazed doughnut. Who is going to win this battle? It would be better if you controlled other factors, like not going around places that have doughnuts, as it will have to use a lot of its energy resisting temptation. Another way to lose weight might be getting more exercise. Your physical self has to use energy to accomplish this and may become tired. It may therefore resist this action. A better way might be to train it by creating a daily habit. The animal self is prone to follow patterns and habits, so it may respond favorably to this new lifestyle change.

Most of your life has actually been spent training and interacting with this outer self, and sometimes being frustrated by your inability to perfectly control it. Every person is different. Some people have a very docile and easy-going outer self, while others are in for the ride of their lives.

Do you sense this duality? Have you ever felt like there was a struggle within? Do you sometimes talk to yourself? How do you deal with temptations? How do you train your outer animal? Who’s really in control? Let me know your thoughts on this deep subject, and please like, share, and subscribe!

What everyone should know.

I’ve spent quite a bit of time learning. One might say that most of my life was dedicated to gathering knowledge about a broad range of topics. Study was something I did for fun, especially on the subjects that interested me. I was a real nerd to be honest.

There is one thing that I didn’t really know as well as I thought I did though. It was something I should have known about thoroughly. It’s something that everyone should know about, and I’m sure if you ask anyone, they will tell you they know about it, but do they? The subject I was sort of in the dark about was actually… myself.

I really did think I knew all about me. I mean, I lived as me my whole life. Why shouldn’t I know everything there was to know? I should be able to predict my every thought and move. Something happened to me though. It wasn’t really one thing, but a series of stressful things all strung together. It made me doubt that I had it all figured out. I stumbled, and I often found myself driven by emotions. I was wrong about some things, and I began to fail. I also behaved in ways I never imagined. It wasn’t like me. I didn’t recognize myself. Who had I become?

It took a long, long time, but I’m finally starting to recognize myself again. That being said, I’m not really the same person. I’m me, but a different me, in some ways better, but in some ways worse. I think this was the person I was all along though. I just didn’t know me back then. At least I’m not naive about who I am anymore. The question is, what else do I not know about myself? Perhaps the real journey of life is actually just about getting to know your true self.

What should everyone know? Do you know yourself? Have you ever found yourself doubting things you thought you knew? Has life changed you? Have you ever been surprised by your own behavior? Ever face off against cognitive dissonance? Let me know it the comments, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!

Something I changed my mind about.

I think I’ve changed my mind on just about everything over the past few years. It sounds crazy I know, and it almost drove me crazy. I had to reconsider things that I long held as true. My whole identity seemed to unravel before my eyes, and I had to reconstruct it. Sometimes, I’m not even sure who I am now honestly, but I know the old me is lost in time. I can remember how I used to think, how I used to see the world, but it’s just not who I am now, and I can’t go back to being that person. Forward is the only direction I can travel now. I have to turn my back on the person I once was and just walk away.

  1. Computers. I used to spend a lot of my time programming. I don’t do that anymore. It kind of interests me, but not enough to do what I used to do. I don’t have enough will power.
  2. Keeping. I used to believe I could keep things. Life has changed my mind. Things flow in and out of my life, including the people I know. That’s the hardest one to accept.
  3. Learning. I spent most of my life learning new things. My mind has changed. I don’t know how much more knowledge I will need to finish this life out, probably less than I already know.
  4. Meaning. I used to believe life had a deep meaning. My mind has been changed on that. I’m like a speck of dust tossed on the wind. It seems like it’s meaning is whatever you want it to be.
  5. Soulmate. I used to believe that I would find the perfect person for me. Life changed my mind. I think you just make the best of it. One might be out there, but odds are against you finding and keeping them.
  6. Morality. I used to have very strong opinions about morality, based on my religious background. Events in my life made me decide that I should stop blaming people and just forgive them.
  7. People. I used to believe that people caused all the problems in the universe. I changed my mind. I now believe the universe causes all the problems that people have.
  8. Grandfather. Growing up, my mom’s dad was used as an example of what every man shouldn’t be. I strove to be different. I changed my mind. At some point, I began to understand him and accept that we have some things in common. Essentially, I forgave him for all his shortcomings because I finally understood why he did what he did. He might not have been a great father, but he was a good grandfather. Rest in peace Papa.

What have you changed your mind about? Ever go through a severe life changing event? Let me know in the comments, and please like, share, and subscribe!

How I would describe myself.

Physically, I’m a tall and relatively lean looking person, at 6’2″ and around 180 lbs. I have blue eyes and brown hair. My skin favors the color of Northern Europeans, as I am mostly of Scottish and Irish decent, with a little German and Dutch blended in. I wouldn’t classify myself as being special in any way, just an average looking person.

If you saw me in a bar, I’d probably just be chilling and scrolling through my phone or something. I’ve been told I’m really good a just chillin. I think this is because I have a calm demeanor and I’m generally very coolheaded, even under pressure. If I’m not chillin, I’m probably chatting with the bartender. I definitely know a lot of the bartenders downtown, and most of them are great conversationalists.

I think that’s really part of the draw to bartending. I had one bartender friend tell me they loved their job because they basically got paid to socialize. It’s probably a dream job if you like to talk to people. If you go to a bar long enough, you really start to feel like you are a part of their lives. The bartenders and regulars form an odd sort of family. It’s really the best part of bars in my opinion.

I think I would also be considered good at conversation, especially with the right person. I can talk for hours if the subject is interesting. I’m also not someone who would come across as arrogant in conversation. There’s a girl I used to talk to at the bar. She was always complaining about her dates sounding arrogant in conversation. She seemed to have no problem talking to me for hours. I’m a good listener also.

I’m also a pretty empathic person. I think this is picked up by some people. They can tell I’m sincere and actually interested in them. I remember one girl described me by saying, Ken, you are a very genuine person. I thought it was a nice compliment. You are not always aware of how others perceive you, so it’s definitely interesting when someone points something out. This girl taught me a lot about myself.

How would you describe yourself? What’s your personality like? What would other people say about you? Let me know below and please like, share, and subscribe!

My favorite thing about me.

Honestly, some days, I don’t know that there is anything about myself that I would favorite. Other people seem way more favorable than me. It sounds humble, but I’m just being truthful. Though I have accomplished a lot of things, it feels like I have just been spinning my wheels my whole life, trapped by one circumstance or another, but never quite giving up, though I’ve been pretty close to it a few times.

I suppose if I had to say what my favorite thing is about myself, it would probably be my mind. I’m not trying brag on my intelligence here. I don’t mean mind in that sense. I mean, my mind is always there when no one else is. It is there when I’m happy, and it is there when I’m sad. It is with me when I’m awake, and even when I sleep. It drives me crazy sometimes, but also helps me see and accept the truth. It allows me to read, write, create, think, perceive, and understand. Without it, I’d be nothing, and you wouldn’t find me very interesting either. It makes survival possible, and it holds all my hopes and dreams, and utters every prayer to God. I am really nothing without it. It’s my favorite thing about me, and my favorite thing about you!

Do you ever think about how amazing your mind is? My mind is so curious about what you are thinking after reading this! Let me know in the comments, and don’t forget to like and subscribe!

The oldest thing I own that I use daily.

The most obvious answer would be myself. Myself has been with me since the very beginning of my life. Though I’m not really sure he’s the same person. I mean, I’ve changed a lot over the years. I’ve said this before, but if you live long enough, some of the events in your past will begin to feel like they belong to a whole other lifetime. I’m not even sure the person I was five years ago would recognize me because I have been through so much change. Maybe the me that is here right now is really a very new person who just inherited a lot of old experiences. This really does seem true when I look back at things I’ve written in the past. I’m actually sort of glad I’ve become a new person.

This question does sort of sound like it’s wanting a material object, and I’ve given that some thought too. I own a few old things, but I don’t really use them very often. I also went through a period of downsizing a few years ago as I began to not care so much about material things. Most of the things I owned that were not in heavy use were just tossed away. There is something left though. It’s not ancient, but it has been with me many years, and I still use it often, today even. It’s my teapot. I’ve already shared a picture of it, but here it is again. I believe it fits the bill of being the oldest thing I own that I still use daily.

What about you? What’s the oldest thing you use daily? Have you ever downsized? Do you feel like you have changed a lot over the years? Let me know in the comments, and don’t forget to like and subscribe!