Tag: eyes

Through the eyes of pride.

This blog is turning into a kind of memoir. I sort of use it to record all the learning experiences I’ve had over the course of my life. I find that certain instances stick in my head. Something unexpected will happen, or someone will say something that captures an idea I hadn’t really thought about, and all of a sudden, that moment becomes embedded in my mind, slightly changing my perspective and decision making. I kind of love these memorable moments. I’m not sure reading them produces the same effect as living them, but maybe they are at least very interesting.

One ponderable moment occurred with a girl I was once seeing years ago, but I still sometimes think about it today. We had recently went to a festival together, and we both had a great time there, as I recall. She was actually a very fun person to be around. We did all the little things at the festival, like listening to the band, eating at one of the stands, walking around and seeing the booths, saying hello to friends who were there, etc. It was all quite wonderful and made me happy to be alive.

It was so fun being at the festival with you today. I think we make a really cute couple.

Though the festival was memorable in itself, the ponderable moment didn’t happen when we were at the festival. It happened a little later. I remember I was standing there behind her, and we were looking in the mirror at each other, and while we were just standing there, looking into each other’s eyes, and thinking about the events of the evening, she said something that really made me think. She said, it was so fun being at the festival with you today. I think we make a really cute couple.

The words struck a note with me for some reason. I hadn’t quite seen the whole event from outside myself. It didn’t really occur to me that others were observing us as we were walking around. We probably looked like two happy people having fun and enjoying the festival. Her choice of words also brought the focus on appearances. She was saying, we look good together, and people are thinking we are a good match for each other. It was at that point that I realized there was some kind of power in our appearance together.

When she said this, it also made me realize that she was already very aware of how we looked together. She had been thinking about this the whole time. It probably added to the whole experience and made her beam with happiness. We were being looked upon favorably and we completely blended in with the other festival goers. It made me realize how very pleasing it is to be attractive and socially accepted. Unfortunately, I also knew exactly what I was looking at, and I didn’t think it was exactly good. I knew I was staring directly into the eyes of my own pride.

During some of my business studies, I remember reading that advertisements very often focus on showing beautiful people in a really amazing scene, one where everyone is enjoying themselves and happy, and then insert whatever product they are selling into the scene. It is a method that works pretty well for selling products, because what many people actually want to buy is the lifestyle they see depicted. This is a pretty old secret, as evidenced from the advertisement I found below. We probably could have sold a lot of Royal Crown Cola that day at the festival.

Old advertisement for Royal Crown Cola showing a happy couple.

Years before all this happened, I remember having another experience that directly contrasted with this one. At that time, I was friends with this really cute blonde girl. I got to know her because I spent a lot of time with her older sister. One day, after I had parted ways with her sister, I was out with another girl, and the blonde girl happened to see us together. Upon seeing me with this other girl, which was not her sister, she gave me a really shocked look. She said no words, but her facial reaction was broadcasting a strong message to me. It was saying, I can’t believe you are with someone like this!

This interaction made me feel very uncomfortable, because the girl I was with was a very sweet person. She deserved to be treated very well. I knew the blonde girl was only thinking about appearances. She was seeing the world through the eyes of pride. At that moment, her look made me feel positively awful, because I believe everyone deserves to be treated the same, regardless of how it looks, regardless of how they look. Unfortunately, this will never be how the world sees it though. They want that perfect scene with two wonderfully matched beautiful people enjoying life together.

We all want to be that happy couple walking along at the festival, smiling at friends and showing off our new clothes. Unfortunately, there’s a price. Someone is being left out. Someone is being avoided. Someone is on the sideline looking in, while we are living our best life right in front of them. I can’t deny that it feels good to be living the dream, but I’m also sad that not everyone is experiencing it with me.

Once my eyes were opened to all of this, I really began to dislike myself for being prideful. It was a moment of cognitive dissonance. Judging people based on appearances went against all my principles, but I couldn’t deny that I loved the way we looked that day. It made me feel very whole and complete. I realized at that moment that it wasn’t just about how sweet the girl was, or about whether she was a good person, it was instead about how I felt around her, and how we looked together. I was completely ashamed of myself.

Over the years, I have come to forgive myself, though it hasn’t been easy. I have come to terms with the fact that we live in a highly materialistic world, and beauty is valued everywhere we turn. I also don’t blame anyone for their reactions or judge them for their decisions. I know life is confusing and difficult, and I wish everyone all the best, but I do dream of a better world.

It still troubles me though, because life is not fair, and it really should be. In the end, beauty is a very wonderful thing, perhaps one of the most wonderful things in life, and I’m not going to lie, I seek it out everywhere I can find it, in art, in life, and in people, just like everyone else, but I also recognize that beauty is unevenly distributed, and that is an unbearable cruelty.

Has anyone made you feel amazing when you are with them? Does the way people see you change the experience? Have you ever felt the effects of pride? Have you ever experienced cognitive dissonance? Do you think beauty is unfairly distributed? Are you aware of how advertising works? Would you like a Royal Crown Cola right now? Let me know in the comments, and please remember to like, share, and subscribe! Love you guys!

Never surrender.

Today something triggered an old memory from my childhood. It’s one of those memories that just sticks in your head because it tells you something about who you really are inside. We believe we know ourselves, but it’s these odd moments in our lives that bring out the best and worst in us, and we actually discover our true colors.

It all started with basketball. I remember one time when I was a small kid, we were let out of school early so we could go over to the gym and watch a basketball scrimmage between some of the older boys. At that young age, what I saw was just a bunch of boys running back and forth on a court while trying to throw a big orange looking ball in a netted hoop. The goal of the game seemed to be getting the greatest number of balls in the hoop.

Their method of making the most shots seemed to be highly inefficient to me though. They kept blocking each other from making shots. If they just shared the ball back and forth, they could maximize the number of shots they made. They could easily earn more points than the scoreboard would allow in one game if they worked together, but they didn’t work together. It seemed like the real goal of the game was just to fight each other over the ball. I really didn’t understand that mindset.

As I saw more basketball games, I began to note that arguments would often emerge and people would yell at each other, especially at the referees. When rival teams from other towns came to play, the emotional flames seemed to leap even higher. Threats and insults would often be shouted, and sometimes even actual violence would emerge.

After taking all this into consideration, it seemed to me that it wasn’t actually worth it. Sports like this didn’t encourage good thoughts and positive emotions. It seemed more like war than a game, and it felt like kids were being trained to embrace bad emotions, like anger and hatred. I decided I didn’t really like sports at that point, but I didn’t dare say anything about it. I felt like I was the only person on earth like this, and what I wanted most was to be like everyone else.

Even though I didn’t like sports, it didn’t prevent me from having to play them. It seemed pushed on me. I remember one year I tried to take a different class last period. It was a class that allowed me to make things in a shop. Not enough people signed up for the class though, so they told me I would have to go back to the gym. This was very disappointing to me. Sports was considered more important than creativity and making things. I didn’t understand why.

During one of these gym classes, the defining moment that became burned into my mind forever happened. We had done lots of exercises like shooting the ball, dribbling the ball, moving up and down the court, etc. I didn’t really mind these exercises too much, but then the coach did something that I didn’t really like. He put me on the court with another player, who happened to be one of my cousins.

He wasn’t really my best cousin either. There was something about him that always made me a bit uneasy. I didn’t know what it was back then, but I later realized it was envy. I was very creative when I was young, and he hated that because he didn’t have any similar talent. I found this out because he once destroyed one of my creations and laughed about it. It felt like he was trying to make me angry, but it didn’t work. The act of creating was the enjoyable part for me, not the finished product.

When the coach put us out there, we were supposed to play each other like I had seen in the scrimmage. Basically, it was a one-on-one scrimmage. I was expected to dribble the ball down the court and try to make a basket while my cousin tried to stop me and steal the ball if possible. I found myself on the court squaring off against a kid who didn’t really like me that much in the first place. The fuel for the fire was in place now, and just waiting for the match to drop.

When the game started, I had the ball and began dribbling it around, deciding how I would proceed down the court. I expected him to try and block me and get in my way. That didn’t bother me too much though. What bothered me was the look he was giving me. There was something awful possessing him! He was right up in my face! He didn’t look like someone who was simply carrying out an objective of blocking my progress. He looked at me like I was an enemy. His face was full of hatred! It wasn’t just a game anymore.

At this point, I felt like I had two possible choices I could take. I could allow the demon of competition to enter my soul and wear the same ugly hate face my cousin was wearing, or I could tell this nasty spirit that I refuse to play games with it. I grabbed the ball in my hand and tossed it right at my opponent. He was dumbfounded at first but was soon rushing down the court to make a goal. I didn’t pursue or try to stop him.

At this point, something really crazy happened. The demon become so infuriated that it leaped right out of my cousin and into the coach. He rushed out on to the court full steam and got right up in my face, just like my cousin had done, me being just an unimposing schoolboy mind you. His face was beet red, and he was screaming at me, what the hell are you doing, Ken! You gave the other team the ball!

I was looking at him directly in the eyes at this point, because he was bent down and our faces were only about nose length apart, but I don’t remember feeling scared at all. It just seemed odd that a grown man could be so easily overtaken with this wicked fury. It’s like neither of them had any protection against it. After a moment, when it became apparent that his anger wasn’t arousing the least bit of emotion from me, he pointed to the bleachers and said, go sit down! Of course, that suited me perfectly.

I don’t really have any regrets about my choice that day. I was the one who was perfectly calm while they were possessed by negative emotions. Staying calm is a characteristic I have always tried to embody, but I still have to guard myself from these temptations trying to infiltrate my soul. In reality, there is only one battle going on, and it is entirely spiritual. Another thing I can take away from that day is that sometimes giving up is the only way to never surrender.

Note: This isn’t meant to be a rant against game playing. It is about how envy and competitiveness often lead to anger and hatred.

Do you have anger management advice? Has there been a time when giving up was your best option? Have any advice on dealing with envious people? Do you think there is a spiritual battle going on around you? Let me know in the comments, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!

That which brings tears of joy to my eyes.

Normally, tears are triggered by extreme sadness, but sometimes they are caused by other feelings, like profound joy. To be honest, as far as I can recall, I’ve only experienced this phenomenon a few times in my life. In general, I think it is a pretty rare thing to happen, but when it does it can be a really intense feeling.

The feelings she had made me want to take care of her. The tear in my eye was simply saying, I’ve finally found you!

Most of the times I’ve experienced tears of joy, it was caused by the same dear friend. I’m not sure how she is able to evoke such strong feelings in me. Sometimes it would be something simple that she said, but it caught me off guard. It made me realize that I was really in her heart, and she looked up to me. The feelings she had made me want to take care of her. The tear in my eye was simply saying, I’ve finally found you!

Things like this were not easy for her to say either. She is a very sensitive person and has become protective of her real thoughts and feelings. After she told me how sensitive she was, I have done everything possible to protect her precious heart. She even accused me of walking on eggshells once, but she didn’t realize I did it because she meant so much to me, and I never wanted her to be hurt by anyone again.

There was a kind of connection with her that I’ve never had before, and that connection was there from the first time I talked to her. I’ve tried to define it words, but it is beyond words. I’ve used words like family, soulmate, etc., but they don’t really describe it completely. She is a part of me somehow, and I will always carry her in my heart.

Ever experienced tears of joy? What brings tears of joy to you? Do you have a friend who brings you profound joy? Do you know people with sensitive feelings? Do you feel a connection to someone that seems unexplainably deep? Please remember to like, share, subscribe, and comment! Thank you!

The way I would describe myself.

I’ve sort of described myself a little in a previous post, but I’ll go ahead and repeat it here. Physically, I’m a tall and relatively lean looking person, at 6’2″ and around 180 lbs. I have blue eyes and brown hair. My skin favors the color of Northern Europeans, as I am mostly of Scottish and Irish decent, with a little German and Dutch blended in. I wouldn’t classify myself as being special in any way, just an average looking person.

Additionally, I could say I wear my hair short, because if it gets too long it will become wavy and eventually curly. I could also note a few other attributes. I’m not balding at all, but I am starting to get a few gray hairs, probably from dealing with a stressful job. I don’t wear glasses, except shades when I’m outside because my eyes are very sensitive to bright light. I figure this is because I have light blue eyes that let in too much light. I also don’t have any tattoos or body piercings.

Isn’t it fun to describe yourself with words only? I think it’s good practice. Who needs Instagram or an avatar? Try it in the comments! Don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!

What name do you think I look like?

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