Tag: high school

Learned in high school

Today I am asked to describe something I learned in high school. I honestly don’t like to think of my high school years. For many people, their high school years were their glory days. They look back to them with great fondness. That is not the case for me.

My mom was like that. She is always talking about her lifelong high school friends. Sometimes she tells me about so and so from my high school class. Some of them I vaguely remember, but some of them I just say, we didn’t really hang out. I honestly don’t keep up with them that much.

I think it’s because high school was somewhat traumatizing to me. It’s not something I want to spend a lot of time thinking about. I’m glad those years are behind me actually.

That being said, here are a few things I learned from high school.

  1. Inclusion. In high school I discovered that people are very cliquish. They tend to form groups that not everyone can find their way into. Seeing this type of setup, I naturally wanted to breakdown barriers between people. Even today, I’m all about inclusion.
  2. Bullying. I think a lot of the bad behavior the plagues human beings begins to surface in high school. I began to witness bullying for the first time. Being against intimidation and violence, I was appalled. I also learned that some bullying is entirely verbal. I began to evaluate every word I said to make sure I didn’t trample anyone’s feelings.
  3. Superficiality. In high school, appearance seemed to be king. The quarterback and the cheerleader reigned supreme where I grew up. I can’t say I wasn’t affected, but I knew it excluded quite a few people. I began to wish we all had the same opportunity.
  4. Love. I always liked girls, but for the first time in my life I began to want to be with one permanently. Their beauty began to assault me at every turn. My desire for affection from them increased to the maximum.
  5. Competitiveness. For the first time, I felt like I was competing for survival. Being classified as a loser became real and something to avoid. I really wasn’t that competitive unfortunately. I was one of those people who hoped we all win.

It appears I overcame almost all adversity, but it wasn’t easy. I persevered and overcome for one reason. Lots of prayer. My God is powerful.

What did you learn from high school? Let me know in the comments, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!

The perfect girl.

I see her every night. Usually, she has blond hair, but sometimes other colors. Sometimes she is dressed in a sexy outfit, sometimes in an elegant dress, other times in athleticwear and sneakers. It doesn’t matter. She will be desirable in whatever clothing she chooses. It will always be in good taste, and other girls will want to wear it just by seeing her in it. She smiles at you, and you think you have a chance, but you don’t. That’s just her charm. She is liked by everyone, except for maybe those who envy her. She makes your palms sweat and your heartbeat faster. You can’t stop yourself from being super courteous to her, even though you know she hasn’t done anything extra to deserve it. There are a hundred other guys with a better chance than you, but you still feel special just for being in the same room with her. She’s the perfect girl.

The middle school girl.

When I was in about middle school range, there was a girl in my grade that I still remember very well. She might have been the first perfect girl I ever saw. I liked everything about her, the way she looked, the way she talked, the sound of her voice, even the cute little things she did. Her seat in math class was at the desk just left of me. I can remember that until this day. I used to look over at her from time to time and dream that she might one day be my girlfriend.

My shyness at the time caused me to keep this to myself. I would have never been able to tell her how much I liked her. That would have been way too unpredictable. I knew she might not feel the same way about me, which would cause her to reject me. This was not something I wanted to find out about the hard way. I would almost rather just go on unknowing, as I could at least have hope that way.

Unfortunately, there came a day in gym class when it was just too much to keep to myself. I had to tell someone! It so happened it was my cousin, who was also my best friend throughout childhood. Perhaps when I told him I didn’t quite make him understand this was supposed to be a secret. No sooner than the words came out of my mouth did he run down the court, grab her by the arm, and basically dragged her up to the bleachers where I was standing.

She was kind of shocked by his actions as I recall, as he didn’t really tell her anything but to come with him. This essentially left me and the girl face to face with each other, her with a dazed and confused look on her face. He then blurted out, he likes you and wants you to be his girlfriend! I felt my insides dry up, and I just wanted to run away and hide, but it all happened too fast. As soon as she figured out what this was all about, she glanced over at him and energetically said, no way! That’s grody! I will never be his girlfriend! Then she ran away as fast as she could go.

I don’t think I had much of a reaction to it in the moment. It all happened too fast, but it wounded me quite a bit to hear those words come out of her mouth. I thought of all the future times she would have to avert her eyes while passing me in the hall, or what she might say to the other kids. Mostly though, it hurt me because I knew I would have to let go of all my hope of being with the perfect girl. As I recall, she moved a year or two afterward, and even though she didn’t like me, I was still a little sad to see her go. I liked her in spite of everything, I guess.

I found out later through classmates that she become a teen mom shortly after entering the next school, making her the youngest girl from my grade to become pregnant in their teens. This really cemented the idea that I probably wouldn’t see her again, because she now had a husband and a child to raise. As predicted, I never really heard from her afterward, though she did leave me with my first real emotional scar, and something to spend the rest of my life pondering.

The high school girl.

A few years after I lost the perfect girl, I found myself in high school, and there was a girl in my class that seemed to be very nice to me. She would always pick a seat right behind me. She would even carry my books sometimes. She liked listening to me and would laugh at anything funny I said. She also followed my interests it seemed. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. It kind of made me feel like a rock star, and she was one of my biggest fans.

An odd thought entered my mind during this time. Was she as infatuated with me as I was with the girl who didn’t like me? If so, then I was experiencing the same problem again, except in reverse, because I wasn’t attracted to her at all. She just wasn’t my type. I never even dreamed of it and couldn’t even imagine being with her in that way. I would never be a good boyfriend for her, and I knew it.

I sometimes wondered if there would be an equally awkward moment where I had to tell her I didn’t like her that way, that we could never be anything but friends. I did consider her to be one of my best friends. I wouldn’t use cruel words like grody, but it might still be a big letdown for her. She would have to accept that her perfect guy was a hopeless dream. I didn’t have the heart to break that to her on pure suspicion, so I just didn’t say anything about it. We were friends for many years after high school, and thankfully that moment never came.

The search continues.

Unfortunately, this wouldn’t be the last time this problem would surface in my life, and I also believe it’s plagued many other people. It seems cruel that we have to go through life constantly meeting the perfect person, only to discover they don’t like us, and vice versa. I find it especially sad because I really do believe that every person needs to find and be with the person who makes them truly happy. I assume that some people do just hit it off early and end up living happily ever after, but I think that’s incredibly rare. For most of us, something very different plays out.

Everyone faces a rejection or two, but if the rejections are harsh, or it happens too often, you eventually begin to lose self-esteem. It becomes more and more difficult to approach anyone you like for fear of a repeat rejection. This can very quickly lead to loneliness and depression, because you begin to lose all hope of meeting the right person. This can be very devastating to a person’s mental health.

Another thing that can happen is you begin lowering your sense of worth. You assume that you are just not good enough to attract the right person, so you begin to settle for less and less of what you desire. Settling for someone helps with the loneliness, but if it’s not a person you truly desire, the relationship can be less than satisfying. You may also be left with regrets for not holding out longer. Occasionally, a much better prospect will appear after you have already committed to a lesser relationship, which can lead to a painful breakup or possibly cheating.

Probably one of the worst things that can happen is when someone dramatically lowers the bar. They pretty much accept anyone, just to keep from being alone, then drop them quickly when they find other prospects. This leads to a string of broken hearts, and maybe a few infections. It might be fun for some people, but the resulting relationships are not very meaningful. At some point, people begin to think you are just about short-term gratification.

In some of these situations, you might be the person who is with someone who is settling or lowering the bar. It can be very painful to discover this is the case. Being with them may have boosted your self-esteem and now you have to face the painful realization that you might not be able to meet a comparable person. I believe I have experienced something like this before, and I would compare it to an eagle lifting you up to the heavens, then just dropping you to the ground. The fall to a low self-esteem can be brutally painful, depending on how high they lifted you up.

When you are trying to figure all this out, there can also be quite a battle from within. One side of you might think logically about who the best person is for you, but the other side wants the satisfaction that comes from being with the other person. It’s like a war between two distinctly different people living inside you. It’s also not uncommon for friends and family to try and reason with you on your choices, but it’s often the subconscious emotions that make the decision, not the rational mind. That doesn’t mean there are no regrets when things go awry.

I think one of the reasons why this problem seems so ugly to me is I feel like we are born with an immense amount of love to give to a very special person. It always disturbed me that you can’t give it to the person you want. Love was meant to flow, not be all cooped up inside you. At some point, it just becomes a bubbling cauldron of black tar in your heart making you sour on the inside.

I hope you never find the perfect person, and then lose them, like I have done on a couple of occasions. It is a positively wicked thing to endure. My wish for everyone is that they find their soulmate, the person who matches them perfectly, that they have no regret in choosing, that truly completes them, and they keep them for as long as their life permits.

Have you had similar relationship experiences? What happened? Do you believe settling is good or bad? Has anyone ever destroyed your self-esteem? How? Have you ever cheated or been cheated on? Do you feel torn between the person you think is good for you, and the person you really want? Do you think it’s hard to find the perfect person? What was your first crush like? What are you really looking for in your person? Do you believe in soulmates? Let me know your thoughts in the comments, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!

The first time I felt like a grownup.

The first time I felt like a grownup was probably around puberty. Technically, that’s when all animals become an adult, though we humans tend to associate adulthood with a time when you are finished with your schooling. In my opinion, this causes a lot of problems in our society and is a burden on many parents who support their children way past the time they are children.

To me, it feels like the age of adulthood increases slightly every year. It seems like it used to be roughly eighteen, as that was when people graduated high school. I think I read somewhere that during the Middle Ages people were moving out and starting families before the age of fourteen. These days, it’s not that easy to get a good job with just a high school diploma, so the age has increased to somewhere in the mid to late twenties, depending on whether or not you know what you want to be when you grow up.

There were a lot of biological changes that began happening to me around the time of adulthood, including more hair, occasional acne, deeper voice, etc. Those changes made me feel like I was slowly becoming a different person, and I didn’t really like that to be honest. It was also a time when I began to think about girls a lot more often, though I had really always liked girls.

I think the biggest change I remember was in how people started seeing me. I was no longer this cute little kid running around playing with his toys. I think they began to see me in a more competitive way, like I was a burden or someone standing in their way. This was especially true when there was a girl involved. They had to show off in front of her to get her attention.

Unfortunately, I’m not someone who cares to compete with people. I never wanted to beat anyone. I just wanted to play like I had always done. I guess that’s the thing I hated most about adulthood. People began to see me as another ugly man who was in the way of getting what they want. To be honest, I think childhood was the only time in my life when I could truly be myself. It feels like home to me.

When did you start feeling like an adult? Do you think it takes longer to grow up these days? What age do you think a person becomes an adult these days? What age should it be? Did people’s attitude seem to change after you reached puberty? Was this a difficult part of your life? What do you like better, childhood or adulthood? Let us know in the comments, and please like, share, and subscribe!

What I could do more of.

I sometimes think about all the things I could be doing. It feels like my life is slowly slipping away and I’m stuck doing meaningless things to pay the bills. I guess the thing that I could do a lot more of is what I would call meaningful things. Things that might actually make the world a better place. Things you can leave behind that will be memorable.

I think back to a conversation I had with my mom when I was a teenager. It was probably around the time I graduated from high school, or thereabout. I said, what is there to life? Her answer was completely unsatisfying to me. She said something like you grow up so you can get a job and pay for everything. I’m like, we did all that schoolwork just to get a job? I feel like teachers build kids up to believe they can do anything, but most of them are just going to get a job and pay bills all their life. I found this to be a very ugly truth.

As it is now, I’m probably set to be forgotten a few months after my life is over. It would be nice if I did at least one thing that was meaningful. It just seems like we spend half our lives preparing for some lifetime that never actually materializes. Maybe it’s an expectation problem, but I feel like I wasted tremendous amounts of time during my life, and I still do, and I have no idea how to correct this problem.

What could you do more of? Do you seek a life of meaning? Have you ever wanted to change the world? Do you want to leave something behind? How will you be remembered? How do you find the time to do the things that matter? How do you maintain your motivation and energy levels after your day sucks the life out of you? Let me know in the comments, and don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe!